Fractured Somehow

One step forward,, 5 steps back...

2011-12-04T18:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. It's hard to say how I am feeling about a lot of things in general because things are so up then down and back again. I have turned a lot of things around in my life and have come a long way from where I was a year ago; quit smoking 9 months ago, got rid of a lot of bad people in my life, started rebuilding a relationship with my father and sisters, started writing again, rebuilt friendships, got going on going to school...all good things. Making plans and implementing them...good things...then I end up in the ER.

It could have been worse, everyone was worried I was having a stroke. Turns out it is Bell's Palsey. It was scary though, and frustrating. It appears that I am getting better, and I can even already close my eye again, something most cases take months to get to and I am already there in a week, but...I can't help but feel like I am due for good things to happen for more than a month at a damn time or a change. It has been such an awful few years...losing Jay, losing, Mom, both in a flash with no chance to brace myself and prepare for it. The wrecks, there have been so many of those....losing an aunt, it just goes on and on.

The grief and depression are viciously debilitating. I hide it well, but I am not okay. I am however, trying to get to a place where I am okay again. I can't help but wonder though, if when I get there is life gonna just smack me senseless again and toss me right back down? I hope this is all worth it. I know I am a fighter, and I know I have a mark yet to leave on this world but, damn if it wouldn't be nice to get there and not be set right back again....

Another had to fly....

2011-09-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

Another sudden and unexpected loss in the family. It is important to say that our family is HUGE, and adding the extended and adopted in family to those numbers just makes us a bigger group. And though our numbers are large we are all still very close. Very close. Each loss is a crushing blow. But because of each other we always manage to stand back up and face the next hurdle together. It goes without saying that we are all still here today because of the love and support and strength we manage to find in each other. We love and will miss you Aunt Lila, Very Very Much.

Regret?

2011-09-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in regret. I have made mistakes and yes I am sorry for them, but I do not regret them. Because I have never done anything in my life that didn't feel like the right thing to do at the time. And when those things turned out to be mistakes at least I learned something. And I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for where I've been and what I have done. Mistakes and all. And I actually like , love and respect who I am. And who I am becoming. Some people cannot say that. I can. And I only hope over time that that never changes.

....ever forward, never back....

2011-09-10T18:18:00.001-07:00

Some people will never really realize what it takes to overcome something that is bigger than them. I understand it better than I'd like to. Slow and steady is the only way to win this race. You have to lay a hefty foundation for each step up you take. And I am having to take this one small step at a time. The important thing is those steps continue forward. Backtracking isn't in the cards. That said, every step I have taken has been regret free and has built me into who I am. So I WILL remember Where I have been, Who I have known, What I have seen, and What has made me who I am. Why? Because I am proud of what those things helped to make me, and I'm surviving. Something I doubted was possible at one point.

I listen to mine...

2011-09-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

Listen to your heart was a good song. And a song with a very good point. 'There's nothing else you can do.' Why would anyone try to ignore theirs? The concept is so utterly foreign and ludicrous to me that I just can't fathom it. I love someone who has been taken from this world. I have no plan or intention to love someone else. I will not risk having to try and survive it again. I am barely surviving it now. To ask me to set aside the only coping mechanism I have is so far removed from acceptable that I don't even know how to react to the suggestion. Or command really. Other than to say Fuck off! Not going to happen! Frustration is an understatement. I would have never thought the people I would expect to care the most for and about me would turn their back on me in this way. It hurts. Brutally hurts really. It isn't even that they are turning their backs, because that is really what they are doing. It is more that they are refusing to even try to see where I stand and are in essence attacking me for still feeling and not 'moving on.' This in their eyes is dwelling. This in my eyes is grieving the only way I know how. By remembering, avidly and enthusiastically someone I want to ensure never fades in my memory even a little. Partially because I want to remember and mostly because remembering makes me feel a little more like he is still with me. Still making me laugh, still having faith in me, supporting who I am and what I do, and loving me. Because he did love me. We had a complex relationship that escapes definition in a lot of ways. But we did love each other. And that was said and acted out many times and in many ways, by both of us, so taking away the value and depth of what we had together is not only unfair but callous beyond comparison.

Ultimatums are Bullsh!t!

2011-09-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

The quickest way to piss me off is with an ultimatum! And top that off by telling me to drop someone from my life that means a lot to me and that I care about. Not gonna happen. And it will only lead to a fight. A fight that might not find a way towards a resolution. Bad idea all around.

...pants on fire!

2011-09-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

I hate being lied to.

It's enough to make me want to drop kick a person. Especially when I cannot fathom why I was lied to and what purpose the lie served. Other than to hurt. Which it did. It most certainly did that part of its job nicely.

It also succeeded in tainting an event that I only looked forward too and made it something that really made me sad. I still see the beauty in the day for everything it is but I have to set aside a little corner of my heart and be sad to. Because my feelings are very warranted.

Finally...

2011-09-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Our stubborn little girl finally made her stage appearance. Third time being a Great Aunt and first great niece. She is gorgeous. Being an Aunt is one of the most important things in my life. I love all my nieces and nephews like they were my own and adopted some others along the way too. I am referred to as Aunt Jessica far more often than I am referred to as Jessica. And I am happy with that. =)

Beautiful Day On the Water

2011-09-01T00:11:00.000-07:00

Went crabbing in Winchester Bay with friends today. Came home with more crab then we could eat, a bad sunburn, exhausted and thoroughly happy with how the day went. The more I venture out of my hiding place at home the more willing I am to venture more. With the right people of course. The ones with no expectations. Right now I only have enough in me to hang on to the people who are content with what I am capable of giving of myself, the people who understand where my heart is and what put it there and are accepting of it. Those people are the people I will give what I can of myself to. The rest? Well the rest really have to fall to the wayside. At least for now. I will decide if I can pick them back up again down the road as I go along.

Too Many Too Soon...

2011-08-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

Our little town lost two more young boys today. Making 3 in less than a week. And so many more over the past couple of years. All gone far to young, and many from things that could have easily been avoided. Every since my near fatal wreck I can sometimes get a little preachy when it comes to safe driving. But the same road that stole my best friend away from me a year and a half ago just took two more lives. When I heard about todays accident I went straight back to that March morning and felt my heart clench up and tumble through the turbulence and emotional roller coaster I did that morning. Leaves you feeling ragged and a little less clear.

I am still angry for my losses and I honestly do not think I have completely accepted them. Reminders like this just set back the process of healing. I have accepted that I will never move on and heal completely, but I have tried to move forward carrying that scar. and moments like these just break down a little bit of the staircase I have been building inside me towards light again. But only a little. I can't let it drop me all the way back in the pit of un-tempered grief, or I would never try to climb again.

My heart is just torn for the families. I know what they are feeling. All to well. And it leaves you facing life with a scar that never heals all the way. For some it just bleeds now and again on the worst days, for some it is a steady sadness that never finds another way to be. And for some the wound festers and it drags you down with it. And it never leaves ANYONE unchanged.

Anxious...

2011-08-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Been waiting to be a great aunt again. Seems really weird to be a great aunt at 32 but I already am one twice. Waiting on our first little lady to arrive though, so I am super excited. My nieces and nephews are easily definable as my entire world. I love them like they are my own. Blows my mind that my oldest niece just turned 21. I feel older by the day. I guess I am older by the day but still, you know what I mean.

I am trying pretty hard to reawaken the happy go lucky always smiling and laughing girl I used to be before all this hurt came along. Yes I am still always smiling and laughing but if you know me at all you will note the smile never gets as far as my eyes and my laugh doesn't come from my soul like it used to. I am still in grief mode. But like I said I am making a grand effort to at least harness that grief and use it to help me move forward, not on, just forward.

A good friend of mine has been a catalyst for that. She managed to persuade me out of the house I have been hiding away in and get out and enjoy simple things. And a weekend stint with my amazing family also fed the need to smile in me. Writing again has been detrimental also.

It makes all the difference to find little things to look forward to again...babies...family....friends....roadtrips to the coast....laughing. True heartfelt laughter is an amazing thing. And though I know I will never laugh again the way I did, the fact that I can laugh again at all really says something. Joy can truly heal better than almost anything. I am pretty sure the only healing power greater is love.

Roots...

2011-08-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

After the worst few years I can imagine. I am coming back to my roots. Gonna try to see if I can bring out the person in me that the 2 best people I ever knew, managed to bring out in me. Only I have to try to do it without them. Doesn't seem remotely fair or plausible that I should have to learn what it is like to keep living without my Mom and my very best friend and only man I love. But here I am standing in the wreckage trying to wrap my mind around how I lost them both inside of a year of each other. This is a journey I never wanted to make...

Holy sh....

2009-11-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

I'm back!

She is alive...if only a little

2006-10-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

Where did the world go while I was away? So much has happened and I couldn't begin to scratch the surface of it all. I fell out and in with people I cared for. I fell out and in and out and into love. I was burned and and found faith in others. Lost faith in myself and found it again beneath the ashes of a burnt bridge. I have tried to wash away the smell of sulfer from my hands but the matches left their mark. I have fucked up, been fucked up, and seen fucked up. And still I breathe. Each breath a little more sweet and a little less expected than the one before.

I stepped away from the man that was ruining me. I allowed myself to do far too many damaging things with/because/inspite of him. And I hit a point when he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me in my car at 5:30 in the morning that I just sighed to myself and internally asked when in the hell I started takin this shit from ANYONE let alone a control freak who is so desperate to believe what he thinks is right is right that he will trash the best fucking thing he could have ever hoped to have. I gave up way too much of myself for him so I stepped....right into the best friendship I have ever had. I am not with anyone now, though I spend 90 % of my time with an amazing man who astounds me mentally, emotionally, and sexually in ways I am still trying to comprehend. Whats the hitch you say? He is broken. He has been screwed over so many ways in his life that I am not sure I will get the door pried open for mare than what he can already give me...friendship...and mind blowing sex....both of which I will take happily, and just quietly hope that somewhere in there I will find a sliver to slip through. That and I am merely a friend to him (which is what I want above all else) and I know the attraction is not there for him like it is with me. I ache to touch him when he is anywhere near me and the sweetest sensation I have ever felt were his lips grazing my neck. I do not know how or why this grew in me as strongly as it has but it did and I have and will continue to tolerate minor little heartbreaks everyday just to breath his air. He's already got my heart, I just want to know what it is to hold his in return.

So there you are a quick update with much more to follow............

Still alive!

2006-09-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

New post tomarrow...PROMISE!!!

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

Look there is a pretty pink egg up there! (Raina on the hunt)

Can you believe it April???? What the hell???

2006-04-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

One of the best pics from this weekend, I spent the majority of Saturday at the barn with relatives. Then took 6 teenagers to Wal-Mart to print pictures...one dressed up as a pimp named Shorty and break danced in the aisles....Next Day someone had the bright idea to take them all to both of the local malls............Crazy!! insane and lacking wisdom....I agreed ;) Had fun with them all and we even shoved all their little butts into one photo booth...those are nice pics!

Is it any wonder I have this sticker on my car?

2006-03-21T20:10:00.000-08:00

So is there life after work? Bitch, Puh-LEEZE! The real question is there an after work? It seems like you get home a little later every day and then you get to work on things from home too. I want play time already! I want to get out and enjoy the rain and the wind in my hair. I want to fly down the freeway with the windows down and the music up and sing at the top of my lungs to eighties music! Wait no I want to Fly down the backroads with the windows down singing at the top of my lungs to 70's music, good music whenever it was made. Loud angry music that makes you want to drive faster.

I want to curl up in bed and not worry about what time I have to emerge. To float in and out of sleep for so long the real and the dreams all bleed together. And the only nightmare is dragging my lazy ass out of bed.

I want to wander through the swamp in the rain watching the raccoons and listening to the dragonflies and crickets and birds scavenging. Come home soaking wet and melt into a hot bath.

I want to walk the Bryce Creek trails and photograph the falls and nap in the ferns.

I want to go nightwalking in the middle of the night, go night swimming and lay on the beach star gazing.

I want to not be stuck at work all day long and come home so tired I don't feel like doing anything else.

But yeah right...whatever.

Catch up game

2006-03-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

Well lets see, I had my birthday. It was a good one, no complaints at all. Another year older. Got some interesting presents, some of which take batteries. (thanks Sissy just wait until your batchelerette party ;) Otherwise it has mainly been work work and a little more work. Not much fun to be had when you are bustin your ass all day long and when your exhausted when you finally get home, not from the work itself but from the drama! Everytime it seems like we may finally squash all the dramatics more pop up. It's ridiculous really.

Then there was the weather. It has been pretty nasty lately, with windstorms and snow storms and COLD. It is still a little chilly but it is gorgeous out today. The sky is completely clear and you can almost believe Spring is just about here.

Now that I have my car back I might take advantage of the day and go for a drive....just not up in the mountains ;)

quickie!

2006-03-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

This what I woke up to...yay! nIt is a lot deeper now! I love snow.

THIS is what got me through the day, carmel frapachino with a double up shot.

Caffiene is my hero.

This bitch is TIRED, so tired that I am not outside dancing in the snow!

The clouds lifted briefly today....

2006-02-28T21:30:00.000-08:00

...and gave us a reprieve from the downpours that graced us for the rest of the day.

I pissed off sissy today while plotting her batchlerette party, she CANNOT handle not knowing what we have in store for her. Nothing bad though it will all be in good fun, Really sissy it will. Besides...thats what you get for getting hitched! I won't let any nakkkid men molest you I promise!!!

On another note I am going to turn 27 on Sunday and I am completely lost. Where in the Hell did 21-26 go? I remember every detail of those years but I'll be damned if it seems like they only lasted a couple months! Anyway it just feels like they are flying by way too fast. Oh well. G'night.

Who am I?

2006-02-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

Click here:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=Speakslyrics
To tell me what you think of me.

still waiting...

2006-02-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

One of the last places my car was that it was still going. :( It still isn't fixed. I miss my car!!!!
Sniffle, pout, groan. I am having to settle for driving this:

Torture I know. But it still is not MY car. :(

Awesome Concert

2006-02-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

So my early birthday gift was going to a concert with my sisters and my mom to see Josh Gracin. I h ave been a fan since his stint on American Idol. He is just adorable! It was an excellent concert. I took over 100 pictures but only a few came out because of the lighting and the fact that he doesn't hardly hold still so they are all blurry. (I need a new camera damnit!) But this one came out decent I guess.

I am one of those people who like ALL music. I will have amix CD with "I'm in love with a stripper" (Rap) "Drunker than me" (country) "walk Away" (Pop) and some Danzig or Rob Zombie, throw in some 80's music and hair bands, a dash of Credence Clearwater and some Drifters or something and I am in hog heaven.

Anyway it was one of those concerts that is all high energy even during the ballads, when you leave tired just from watching someone give it all they've got. Loved it.

So now it is a weekend devoted to making the car go again.....er, hopefully....I really miss driving!

Happy Heart Day

2006-02-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

Wrote this a couple weeks ago, while wandering

conversations in a dark car at 3 am tend to leave me a little unnerved, bereft of any sense and wondering what solitude really is. how can i taste it, cover myself in alone, like a blanket on a fevered child, unwanted but necessary just the same

4 am leaves me wondering what the hell happened to me through the night and how can i find my way back from the ledge i am tetering on and only wanting to fall

5 am brings the leap, i can finally give in with the comoing of dawn, and go to sleep hungering for more

new baby!

2006-02-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

I was complimented on my lips 4 times this weekend. I think my scar is annoying and that they are big. Hmmph. Anyway...
I went for the blonde streaks again, and now I am more blonde than dark like in this picture taken yesterday. Actually there is hardly any dark left in it. Kind of scary.

Jazzie had her baby last night. She is a little go getter. Up and running laps an hour after coming into the world. Didn't like the blanket at all but it was pretty cold last night so suffer she did. ;) Isn't she cute? Mystique had her baby a little while ago. She was dubbed "Party Like a Rockstar" Star for short that is them in the next pic. These two little girls are half sisters. They share the same daddy "Stings Theme" or Rocky for short.

I found out it may be longer than I thought on my car. so now I am pouting. I drove my moms z28 over the weekend and now I am dying to drive again. I hate having no wheels. It sucks! Any way later, I gotta hit the hay, I gotta work tomorrow.

all the way from Korea!

2006-02-11T00:05:00.000-08:00

Just posting my myspace addy: http://www.myspace.com/speakslyrics

Looks like I am going to a concert for my birthday, just me my mom and my 2 sisters. On Wednesday. Josh Gracin. I rooted for him on American Idol but he went home before the end. Oh well.

Not sure yet what I am doing when my birthday actually gets here. I have made several suggestions. Tha main one being a coast trip. Play in the sand. Maybe my friends (the ones that bought the shots and the lapdance) that have quads would wanna go. I wanna do something besides going to the bar and getting plowed. (Which I tend to do when I actually go to the bar).

Tomarrow I am gonna try and go get my hair did...Go back to the blonde chunks since they are bleeding through the dark color anyway. It is getting long again and I think I want to trim it again. Long or shoulder length? I can't decide but I need it to be different.

Car is still broken after the adventure on the mountain. We had to order a part all the way from Korea. Damn foriegn rigs....J/K ;) I like my car. But I am held up on getting it fixed while I wait for them to ship me a little $6.75 piece of plastic (that melted when he got impatient when we were stuck, and reamed the clutch and accelerator....men....very impatient! Meanwhile I was outside pushing the damn thing and getting ice, mud, and rocks kicked up on me.) Anyway no friends will be driving the car anymore. Just me, then when it breaks it is all my fault! Or when I wreck it which is more likely since I drive like a maniac.

Anyway look I posted twice in the same week! I am making a comeback! I so kick ass! ;)

tired of waiting....

2006-02-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

....for you to come back.....
....and wake me up again............................................................

Put on a happy face!

2006-01-29T21:06:00.000-08:00

It has been a weird few weeks for me. I haven't been too interested in doing some of the things I usually do. Kind of going through an "I am over all that" phase. But that never lasts and I always come back to who I really am.

Quick Summary:

Drunk and throwing up at the Silver Dollar club (strip club) Really big mixed drinks were involved...lots of them.

spending the night broke down in my car up in the snow only to walk about 15 miles down the hill the next day before we found a ride. (thanks nice couple in the mini-van that was very nice)

The inability to walk straight for the following week.

Losing 26 lbs in two weeks because food nauseated me.

and on-going venom spewing between my sister and I over a bunch of BS.

Yeah eventful.

Good news? I didn't wash away in any of the floods yet! Oh happy day!

Update!

2006-01-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

I had a quiet New Years, relatively. Had a messed up shoulder and stayed home.

SUPER FUN and soooo memerable. ;) Had a couple nice conversations though. So figured I would post these fun pics cuz they are there and I want to ;)

I am sitting here eating homemade speghetti and trying to figure out how to patch my favorite pair of jeans. I tend to put my hands in my back pockets and I finally tugged on them enough to tear them. I can't bring myself to throw them away cuz they are my favorite...why are they my favorite? Well because I am tall and I spent my whole life either in shorts or looking like I was waiting on a flood, and these bad boys are long enough for my long legs. Irriplaceable.

Anyway, I am gonna crash now back to go visit everyone else tomarrow.

MMMMM.....DIRT!

All is calm All is bright.....now that it's over

2005-12-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

Wow since Christmas is over does that entitle me to a nap? It has been GO GO GO all December! Between work and shopping and wrapping and taking Christmas pictures and making cd's for friends to give their kids and Christmas cards and and and and and.....it seems like sleep was never really on the list.

It was a nice day though, stayed in town and went to my sisters house. Got a lot of looks at the carload of gifts I had. There was barely room left in the car for me. (took 2 trips and no they were not all from me)

Looks like everyone enjoyed their gifts from me, at least I hope so. My favorite gift opening moment is in the picture above.

I got a book of Racheal Hale's photography, two movies (Serenity & Four Brothers) and an awesome pink satin bedset from Victoria Secret. Much more than I expected.

Stuffed our faces with more food then any of our belly's were meant to hold. Took pictures of all the kids and am now ready to pop a dvd in and crash.

Overall...no complaints here. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

May your holiday be filled with the kind of wonder graced upon children.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Yup another picture post

2005-12-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

There is a cat in my shirt!
Her new thing is to jump onto my shoulder and then nose her way down in between my shirt and my hoody and take a nap while I type.

Thems my girls. Aren't they beeuteeful?
These four are my regular little models, they like to pose for their auntie. I love them, even though they are ornery. They come by that naturally of course. ;)

That's right Bitches! You know they're sexy, ye'r just jealous! :D I like my toe socks! They keep my tootsies warm when it is below freezing all day long like it was today! And they're PINK...Hello!

NO I did not wear them like that all day.

The Christmas lights reflected in my car window, all stretchy looking.

We're so cool! We even decorated the old fishin boat. :o)

Playing with the camera and the Christmas lights in the front yard.

It is freaking cold this way! I LOVE it!

Another co-worker quit today. I'm not sad, I think it is best for all involved. She isn't happy there and that makes other people unhappy. The bummer is that I liked her, I just didn't understand where her animosity came from . Oh well I know in my heart that I was never in the wrong so that is all I need to know.

K off to play with pics now. TA~

you didn't wipe your what....

2005-12-07T22:18:00.000-08:00

Ok so a guy came up to me while I was doing the office mail run. Just some random guy. Never saw him before, probably won't ever again. Guy just walks up to me and says,

"Dude, you know that feeling when you haven't wiped well enough? Yeah, that's
what I got."

WTF! First of all no I DON'T know that feeling, secondly hella overshare, thirdly I am a complete stranger, step away from the crackpipe!

I swear people say the strangest things to me. I must have one of those faces, one of those hey this chick really needs to know about the funk going on on my stanky ass face. ???

Ok um yeah so how was your day?

A few pictures and stuff

2005-12-05T21:34:00.000-08:00

Some Random shots from the past couple weeks:

Does this make me a bad pet parent? She looks soooo cute in her little jean jacket with the pink fur!
This definitely doesn't make me a bad pet owner, I am getting her into the Christmas Spirit, with a nice warm sweater and Santa hat.

My co-workers daughter brought her this cute little chocolate snowman that she had made in home ec. Anyway, the arm fell off and we being the pervs that we are though that relocating the appendage was funny. Thus the birth of Happy the Snowman!

Snowball excited to play. We were shooting photos for her flyer and she just wanted to run around. She is one hell of a cute pony. But she really does not like for you to put bows in her mane. Cruiser thinks I taste good. I don't think I would let him bite me so readily once he is all grown up but while he is still a little guy I will humor him.

Well I guess that is all for now blogger isn't letting me put anymore on right now.

Trying to get into the Christmas Spirit. Decorating and listening to all the jingles. LOVING the cold weather even though I have a scratchy throat. In the morning when Sissy and I are driving the backway to work you can't hardly see ten feet in front of us because of the fog that has made the Willamette valley its new home. They keep promising us snow but they are fibbers. :( I can't wait for the snow. I am just like a little kid when it comes to snow.

I have done a little of my Christmas shopping and even got a pretty good plan in place to get Christmas cards out this weekend. It just seems like it is all going too fast. Our house is like a big black hole in the neighborhood because everyone else has already decorated and we just have not had the time. And Jeez it is only the 5th, usually they don't all have their lights up by now. We have drug the 10 or so great big plastic totes out of the attic but have yet to crack them open and start swathing the house in Christmasy sparkle, maybe this weekend.

Anyway there was a mini update. More pics tomorrow. Till then find some mistletoe and git yerself some lovin!

For this I give Thanks

2005-11-24T23:56:00.000-08:00

For the little things like being warm, having nieces and nephews to spoil and LAUGH with, and remember to store all my Christmas Card Addresses in my Palm Pilot last year so I won't have to search for them for HOURS like I did last year. For bigger things like a family that knows no end and who I can always count on. I am thankful for practical things like a job and a running car and the ability to meet my basic needs. And thankful for less than practical things like cheesy movies that somehow hold my interest even when I should have gone to bed hours ago. I am thankful for the things I love to do like taking pictures and having the blessing of an abundance of models who are happy to oblige. I am thankful for the people who really know me and still want to know me and who care about every little thing about me and who forgive my quirks and flaws and even embrace them. I am thankful for the simple freedoms I hold and for the men and woman like my father who have sacrificed so much to maintain those freedoms for all of us. I am thankful for the purring ball of fluff who is sitting on my shoulder while I type. I am thankful that I was not alone today and that I had people I care about with me. I am thankful for the brat of a sister who tormented me all day because I know she loves me even though she is a goober. And I am thankful for the other sister who did not torment me (even though she does sometimes) because I was too busy dealing with the other sister and she knows I can't keep up with both of them. I am thankful for a mother who can't be without us girls and who makes us each a vital part of her life. I am thankful for a father who has always sacrificed for his family and who drives me nuts everyday but cares enough to give us all that attention. I am thankful for the fact that both of my parents took the time to raise us girls to be respectful, loving , smart, and moral. I am most thankful to just be who I am. Cuz I kinda think she is a pretty decent person to be. And she is lucky, and she knows it.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Love, and all....

it's ok...i'll still glow

2005-11-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

I have been living in the clouds all week. They have settled about the Willamette Valley and tucked us into their chilly blanket. It feels a little like living in heaven except that insted of the peace I envision from heaven, drama abounds inside the haze we are wrapped within.

Work is starting to go in a direction I think is positive. And sissy and I will be working together again. Someone quit today so she gets an even better position than she thought she would get. I found out that someone at work said she hated me and had no reason as we never even really interacted. I am assured that it is more about the position that I hold and the people who like me than who I am personally but it still makes a person wonder what I did to cause someone to feel that way.

I am tired of clinging to the idea of becoming what other people want me to become in order to be accepted. I can't even please myself let alone everyone else so I am begining to take the take it or leave it route. If you want soemthing from me, that is fine and well if it is something I am capable of giving at the moment. If it isn't. Sorry.

I have been disappointed myself when people don't turn out to be what I thought but I don't have any intention of holding it against them and I will be damned if I will shed anymore tears for people being disapointed in me. Or not liking me. Or being jealous of whatever. It's all a bunch of BS and no one should waste their time over it. Our hearts aren't meant to break over pettiness. I have had so many little heartbreaks in my life because of my own faults that I can't let it happen anymore over what other people "think" are my faults.

Done rambling incoherently.

I am totally feeling this song by Katy Rose right now. It's called Glow and I highly recommend it.

You can close you're eyes and tell me
That you are a visionary
And maybe you're a little scarey
But you take my breath away
When you say you'l always be there
It paints such a lovely picture
But no matter how you frame it
It's still pornography

Nobody seems to hear
Till I scream and shout
Evan if you tie me down
And you blow my candle out
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfict someone
that you'll never know
I'll still glow

I see this girl with so much anger
Pacified by holding starngers
Making peace with all her danger
By looking in the mirror
The pureness in my name is gone now
You've taken it too far but somehow
I'll lick my wounds and take the last bow
And hold my cold left hand
There's so many things
That you rant about
The only thing I know for sure

If you blow my candle out
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfect someone
That you'll never know
I'll still glow

I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the pertfect someone
That you'll- that you'll never know
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfect someone that you'll never know
I'll still glow

It is the middle of November...WTF???

2005-11-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year and I'll be damned if it feels like the year has flown past. I love the holidays, I think they bring out the best in me. The well behaved youngest sister who wants only to shower her family with gifts and happiness. The naive daughter who has yet to be jaded in the eyes of her mother who doesn't want to destroy that illusion. The hard worker who relentlessly dons a smile. The faker, who isn't really faking it, because it is all genuine, it just isn't complete. Because she is hiding away the other little bit that is unhappy with certain things. And it really is only just a little bit. At least right now it is.

My life is feeling like it is out of my hands and I honestly don't know if I am grateful for that or not. I am anxious all the time and at the same time I am content with that. Contradiction? Yeah I know. Someone once suggested to me that maybe I like to play with my own mind. That is entirely possible. It is probably even true. I am my own protagonist. But at least I own it. And ultimately, even if I am the one who screws up my life, I don't deny that I am the one responsible. And I am beginning to embrace my own screw ups. And I can look in the mirror and smile, at least half of the time.

I'm tagged so....

2005-11-05T23:45:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here watching Blade Trinity I love when King (Ryan Reynolds…yummm…) calls the vamp chick a cock juggling thunder cunt. I don’t like that word personally but it totally works when he says it.

Anyway I am tagged so here goes.

Part One
1. Were you named after anyone? Yes after a TV Character

2. When did you last cry? I cry all the time…probably the last Folgers commercial

3. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey especially left over Thanksgiving Turkey

4. what is your most embarrassing cd? Uh I would have to say Teen Riot…but I really like the song toy soldiers and that was the only way to get it.

5. Where is your second home? The only other place I feel at home is at my grammas house…because it has never changed.

6. Do you trust others too easily? It depends on who I am at the moment, and what they say to me…I am a sucker for the right words.

7. what was your favorite toy as a child? I liked barbies but I loved paper…crayons, pencils and pens….and my first typewriter that I got at 7.

8. would you bungee jump? Hell Yeah!

9. Do you think you are strong? Yes, physically but maybe not so much emotionally…but flip the bitch switch and honey ITS ON! I find people have been flipping that switch a lot lately.

10. What are your favorite colors? The colors of the sky and the water….blues and silvers.

11. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? I would like to be healthier but ultimately I want to be able to stand still and be content. I don’t have the ability to be content…satisfied.

12. Who do you miss the most? Deceased? My grandfathers, they were both special men each for different reasons.

13. What was the last thing you ate? A packet of sweet tarts out of the left over Halloween candy bowl.

14. If you were a crayon, which color would you be? Aquamarine

15. What is the weather out right now? Windy rainy and COLD…a perfect stormy day.

16. Last person you talked to on the phone? I am not good at phones, I think it was my sister asking when I was going to get there to fix her computer.

17. Do you wear contacts? No, but I should they would help my vision from getting worse.

18. Last movie you watched? House of Wax for Halloween. I am watching Blade Trinity right now.

19. Favorite day of the year? Christmas…especially if there is snow on the ground.

20. Where would you want to go on your next vacation? Next Vacation, ha, there hasn’t ever been one of those yet. I really want to go to the Scottish Highlands someday.

21. Favorite smells? Rain….I love rain, the ocean, a campfire and burnt matches and cinnamon…oh and freshly cut grass.

22. What's the furthest you've been away from home? Not very far I think I have been to CA, ID, and WA, just across the Oregon borders though.

Part Two
Three things you like about yourself: my empathy, my creativity, hands ( I can palm a ball, type a mile minute, and still have pretty red and perfectly shaped tips, naturally, well not the red part)

Three things you don't like about yourself: my health, my half empty glass, that I tend to instinctively close open doors

Three things that scare you: not being in control, rejection, acceptance

Three of your everyday essentials: caffeine, lipstick, and chenille socks

Three things you are wearing right now: a pink ruffled teenie weenie tank, grey boy sweats that are way too big (translation: super comfy) and my fluffy pink slippers

Three of your favorite songs: Fortunate Son, teenage wasteland, there goes my baby. All three are classics!

Three things you want in a relationship: understanding, humor, and selflessness

Three things that turn you on: breath on my neck, holding my hand, and playing with my hair

Three things that turn you off: body odor, people who are self centered, and when you call me by the wrong name

Two truths and a lie: I fall asleep in the bathtub all the time, I still play in the rain and I always drive the speed limit

Three things you can't live without: writing, my camera, and my sobakowa pillows

Three places you want to go on vacation: The highlands, Greece and Iceland

Three things you just can't do: dance, be idle, and get up any earlier than I absolutely must

Three kids names: Kyla, Gwyndylan and Michael Marie

Three things you want to do before you die: Be Published, Spend a year photographing every place I ever wanted to visit, and find happiness.

Three of your favorite musicians: Sarah Brightman, Rob Thomas, and 3 doors down

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: Big arms, soulful eyes and good lips

Three of your favorite hobbies: blogging, photography, & writing

Three things you really want to do badly right now: curl up in bed and watch movies, slip into a hot bath and for some reason go Christmas shopping hmmmmm

Three careers you're considering/you've considered: Writer, photographer, and IT

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: I can hold my alcohol, I’d rather have a pickup than a car, and that is all I can think of

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: I love pink, I love my kitty and I love make up

I am not going to tag anyone else becaue it is too hard to decide, so if you do it just leave me a comment so I can come see.

Have a good weekend everyone, I am going to crawl into bed now, this chicka is plumb tuckered out.

Time? HA ya right!

2005-11-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

So I am going to pull from my cache of posts that I have never posted because I just can't decide what to say:

Crushes Throughout my Life

Corey Haim All I have to say is dimples okay!
Kiefer Sutherland In the Lost Boys
Jordan Catolano NOT JARED LETO (from My so called life)
Sean Connery HELLO No explanation necessary
Bo & Luke Duke I think it was the car....So I edit that I crushed on the General Lee!
The characters Jonathan and Liam and Raoul in the Alanna books by Tamora Pierce
The Rock (AKA Dwayne Johnson) I gotta a soft spot for Samoans especially smart ass ones!
Cole Hauser as Benny in dazed and confused
Sean Austin in his white water summer years

Girl crushes (girls I wanted to be)

Alanna (Again from the Tamora Pierce books, she was a bad ass female knight)
Sonora Webster (She rode the diving horses, how cool is that? Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken will always be my favorite movie ever)
Angela Chase (She got Jordan Catalono DUH!)
Sheena (The Bitch could talk to animals and got to ride zebras and sleep with leopards)
Jennifer Beals in Flashdance ( This movie made me really consider being a stripper!)

never there when you need one...

2005-10-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

Driving to work this morning I got stuck behind a line of 5 cars stuck behind some shmuck goin 25 in a 60 mph zone. As soon as we hit the straight stretch between Grove and Creswell I dropped it into first and gunned it to pass the slow poke and the other cars in front of me. Drove 80 the rest of the way to work.

Why do I bring this up? Because I would love to know where all the cops are when people drive WAY TOO SLOW?!?!

I could be going 5 miles an hour over the speed limit and I get pulled over, but these idiots drive unreasonably slow and cause tie ups constantly and no cops are to be found! WTF! That is ate up. I mean really!

On another note, does anyone know what kind of spider this is?

They are all over outside of the office. They are pretty big too, about the size of a quarter. I work with mainly woman and they were shreiking at me the whole time I was near them that it was gonna jump on me!

I am just curious if they are really bad spideys or not.

Anyway, miss me until later!

opening up

2005-10-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

The soul of the rose is a bittersweet thing. Once uncovered it is near it's end. Only in the shelter of the bud will it know safety, and in the recklessness of unfurlment will it know life. The sweetness of dew kissed mornings before the harshness of death. I choose to bloom. To drop my petals one by one until they can fall no more and I am left exposed to the bare beauty of life.

Read Into it What You Will...

2005-10-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

For some reason I had these two songs on repeat today. I like them both a lot. I also love that the lead singer has a very deep voice. Some might wonder why, but they are really both good songs. I like that they are sung loud and fast too.

Both Songs By Nickleback:

Next Contestant
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons :.

I judge by what she’s wearing
Just how many heads I’m tearing
Off of assholes coming on to her
Each night seems like it’s getting worse
And I wish she’d take the night off
So I don’t have to fight off
Every asshole coming on to her
It happens every night she works
They’ll go and ask the DJ
Find out just what would she say
If they all tried coming on to her
Don’t they know it’s never going to work
They think they’ll get inside her
With every drink they buy her
As they all try coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
There goes the next contestant

I even fear the ladies
They’re cool but twice as crazy
Just as bad for coming on to her
Don’t they know it’s never going to work
Each time she bats an eyelash
Somebody’s grabbing her ass
Everyone is coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
There goes the next contestant

I’m hating what she’s wearing
Everybody here keeps staring
Can’t wait ‘til they get what they deserve
This somebody’s getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
I wish you’d do it again
Each night seems like it’s getting worse
I wish you’d do it again
This somebody’s getting hurt

There goes the next contestant

AND

Animals
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons :.

I, I’m driving black on black
Just got my license back
I got this feeling in my veins this train is coming off the track
I’ll ask polite if the devil needs a ride
Because the angel on my right ain’t hanging out with me tonight
I’m driving past your house while you were sneaking out
I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run
Your mom don’t know that you were missing
She’d be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I’ve been kissing
Screamin’

No, we’re never gonna quit
Ain’t nothing wrong with it
Just acting like we’re animals
No, no matter where we go
‘Cause everybody knows
We’re just a couple of animals

So come on baby, get in
Get in, just get in
Check out the trouble we’re in

You’re beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It’s hard to steer when you’re breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth
‘Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch
I’m screamin’

No, we’re never gonna quit
Ain’t nothing wrong with it
Just acting like we’re animals
No, no matter where we go
‘Cause everybody knows
We’re just a couple of animals

So come on baby, get in
Get in, just get in
Look at the trouble we’re in

We were parked out by the tracks
We’re sitting in the back
And we just started getting busy
When she whispered “what was that?”
The wind, I think ‘cause no one else knows where we are
And that was when she started screamin’
“That’s my dad outside the car!”
Oh please, the keys, they’re not in the ignition
Must have wound up on the floor while
we were switching our positions
I guess they knew that she was missing
As I tried to tell her dad it was her mouth that I was kissing
Screamin’

No, we’re never gonna quit
Ain’t nothing wrong with it
Just acting like we’re animals
No, no matter where we go
‘Cause everybody knows
We’re just a couple animals

So come on baby, get in
We’re just a couple of animals
Get in, just get in
Ain’t nothing wrong with it
Check out the trouble we’re in
Get in, just get in

I recommend the CD....

new season is upon us

2005-10-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

I love the weather. But I can't enjoy it too much. I am getting sick. My ear hurts, my throat hurts, and my brain feels like it has run a marathon. Big stuff going on at work so I can't call in there is just too much to do before the big company conference. I just want to spend a whole day sleeping. Out of the question though. But damn if the stormy weather isn't just gorgeous.

How is she?

2005-10-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

She's tired
She has raven hair
She has music playing in her head
She has dreams to dream before the dawn
She's a wish waiting to happen
Take a deep breath and blow.....

A taste of Fall

2005-10-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

The Oregon skies finally opened up this weekend and gave us a good hard rain. Those of us who ventured out to go buy cookies, rent movies, and check the mail were rewarded with this double rainbow. The photo doesn't really do it justice because if you had been there you could have easily picked out the indigo and lavender stripes. It was really very pretty.

I had planned to color my hair this weekend (going back to dark) but my check, along with at least one other co-workers, didn't get direct deposited. Thus it was a homebound lazy weekend. I even had to use my free rentals to rent movies. How sad!

But it was nice. I slept in a lot. And feel more rested then I have in a long time. I do think I might be getting sick though, my throught is hurting. But it does tend to do that this time of year. Nothing a nice hot bowl of hommade chili won't fix though. Good night, I hope you all had a nice weekend too.

cleaned up the stink....;)

2005-09-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well, as far as what happened with my previous post, well that all blew over. I was sort-of in my opinion asked to disassociate myself from a dear friend of mine to get further with my job. Well wait, not get further but get along better with other employees. Now to me that was questioning my character and integrity. I was supremely offended. Yes for my friend who is seemingly singled out by a majority of the staff (seemingly because I see how she can feel that way but I am not sure why yet they treat her like they do) but more so for me that they thought that I would even consider such a thing. And later because they tried to claim noble intentions.

How do you wrap your mind around the notion that it is an extention of friendship to ask a person to drop a long time friend to hang out with the "cool kids". It's f***ed up that people presume that because they are in the majority in a situation that they are in the right. Well sometimes there is no right. Sometimes everyone just has a different perspective, personal preferances and personalities. Sometimes people have delusions of granduer.

Anyway it all blew over and everyone is fine. I think I am respected a little bit more for the way I stood up for the two of us. I have no hard feelings towards anyone, I am just baffled by the thought process that spawned the actions.

It's been a busy few weeks. Coordinating a company wide workshop, working on 2006 budgets and 2005 year end reports...all sorts of fun. That accounts for my sporadic posting, that will change and I will get back to grazing your pages too, I have a lot to catch up on.

well something hit the fan all right and it don't smell good

2005-09-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

But I won't be dwelling on that tonight, I am too tired to retell it all.

I spent most of the weekend out at the barn taking pictures. Got some good ones. Not as many as I would have liked since my camera took a crap on me and has decided not to work.

I am sure I will recant to you those things that made today suck later but right now my head is whirrling and I am sure non of it would make sense anyway.

going once going twice....sold

2005-09-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I went to the auction yards today with my mom, sister, nieces and nephew. Had a huge lunch and spent the afternoon looking at perdyful hors-ies. Then went to the barn helped bring in the horses and feed them. I came home with a monster headache from the auctioneer's voice over the loudspeaker though.

They have been having a cat problem out at the stable. By cat I mean Couger. By problem I mean attacking the horses in the middle of the day. The bad kitties got a good kicking from two of the mares though and now they are rotating the geldings and stallions out into the pastures. Equine security I guess. But Tazz and Nugget got all scratched to hell and are jittery now when they never used to be before.

My mom and sister laughed at me because when they show me injuries on the horses I just bawl. I have a great empathy for animals and everyone teases me for it, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I have been asked why then that I would not have become a veterinarian. The answer is simple; I could never be one because I cannot handle animal suffering. I can't see the pain first hand. I am compassionate towards people too but it is far stronger when it comes to animals because there is a sense of vulnaribility in animals, especially pets who have no control over their lives.

I guess I went off in some odd direction there, sorry. Good night, I am goin to SLEEP for many many hours now.

Car Salesman

2005-09-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

OK I have always had certain perceptions about car salesman. Many of the descriptives I would use for them are akin to slimy. Well those perceptions had changed for me to a degree at our local car lot. They have always been relatively decent with me and my family when we go down to get our vehicles. Today when I went down to talk to them about trading in my car this lady salesman was right on me and for a minute I thought she was going in for a kiss, her nose was less than an inch away from mine. New word to describe them: halitosis. I got rid of her as quickly as I could and will go back on Tuesday to see what happens with one of the nice guys who don't climb right up and park their slimy selves right on your ass.

On another note I have come to discover that I don't live up to what some people want me to be. Sucks to be them huh.

Oh and how is this template working for everyone?

status---whoa

2005-09-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

Work-Good
Life- So So
Time-Yeah right

Be back this weekend we are dealing with house cleaning and I am wiped out. g'night.

another day of play

2005-08-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

I had a nice weekend. It was my parents 35th wedding anniversary so we all went and barbqued at the lake. My grandma and Uncles came up from Southern Oregon and we all got together with the local family members including my sisters and adoptive sister, had good food played in the water pulled the kids behind the boat. All kinds of fun. Except the broken toe I have now. Dammit anyway...no day can be perfect can it?

Now it's back to the workweek and I am still adjusting to these early hours and this chick is just plain ol' tuckered out. So G'night. Cheesy as it sounds I am going to go watch rock star now.

mid transition

2005-08-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

ok so I had a busier day than I expected but I did get some work done on the template. Tomarrow I will be out at the lake most of the day helping to celebrate mom and dads wedding anniversary, so we will see what I can do to fix up the template gliches tomarrow.

Did it quiet around here or what????

2005-08-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

Hi all. What a couple of weeks it has been for me. Though the ultimate outcome of all the ruckus is a softer and saner world for me. First of all the store is a place of the past for me. No longer working there. That has made my bout of exhaustion a thing of the past as well. I have a nice new 8-5'er that is much closer to home so the commute is another bit of history. But I tried to do both at once which accounts for my lack of posting here. No time. But I have found time again and I will be back tomarrow with a complete update and a new template that allows everyone to read. Till then.....

Lets recap

2005-08-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a real interesting couple of weeks here in my world. But we'll get to all that in a minute. Today was my day off. It was also payday so I still had to drive to Eugene to get my check because (suprise suprise) my direct deposit still hasn't gone through. So I went to do that and to do a little shopping. Somehow between getting in the car and getting out of the car I screwed up my back. I ended up hobbling around all day like alittle ol' lady. I am trying to stretch whatever kink it is out but I am not seeming to be successful. Sympathy pains for Storm perhaps? Dunno but if I feel like this tomarrow I am going to be worthless at the store.

Tomarrow is going to be the last day of my last full week there. It's going to be an interesting transition. 8-5 at the property management Monday through Friday and Part time nights and weekends at the store. I will probably be a zombie most of the time but I am determined to give it a go. I owe the store that much, they have been good to me there and being a Front End Supervisor there is enjoyable to a different degree than my previous position. I need for this to work out, money is a big issue right now and there is never enough of it. But when is there? Now to go see what's up with all of you.

What's Goin On?

2005-08-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well I have had a lot going on lately that has kept me away from here. First off; Work:
After all that time and effort towards moving up the ladder, going full time and getting the position I wanted, I am having to cut my hours drastically. This is so I can be available M-F 8-5 for something else. Not bad, just different. Though I love working at the store I am sure that ultimately this will work out very well and it makes me financially much more comfortable. More detail on that later.

Next; Play:
Had a family reunion this weekend and was actually able to get out of work to go. We went to Lamola lake, which is near Crater Lake and camped right on the water. Enjoyed playing on all the toys (boats, jetski's, etc.) Was an all you can eat buffet for a million mosquitos ( I just know I am gonna get West Nile or something) and got a rightious sunburn. Talked with family that I have not talked with in years. Got drunk and went out to the water to swim, only got my pants off before I realized that it was a little too cold to go. Almost got in a fight with someschmucks who rowed all the way accross the lake because they thought that we were Ho's with pot, they were mistaken. Uh watched my cousin pee her pants, and managed to get through the trip with only two injuries to people, a sprained wrist from knee-boarding and a sprained ankle from my cousin stepping in a hole. I think that just about covers it all.

things are getting a little shakey

2005-07-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

I spent a little time out at the barn this weekend taking pictures of my sisters studs and mares. I couldn't help but share this picture of my little niece "grooming" one of the studs. Tuff just sat there and let her. He looked awful perdy when she was all done.
After I got the shots I needed for his adverts. I went home and felt ucky all day, still fealt ucky today so I called in sick. I think part of it is the heat. I don't do well with it. And then there is some termoil going on with my whole work situation that could be considered a blessing, but I am not really sure what is happening. My life is just all up in the air for a little while, hopefully things will settle down by next week. Here's to hope, right?

till tomarrow

2005-07-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well I was going to post last night but I got out of work late and then almost got killed by a cop car in a high speed chase. I have an akward schedule this week but I do have tomarrow night off so I will come back and ramble at you all then. Have a good day! Oh and yes Martin it was Harry but I am also reading the historian at the same time. so I am switch hitting you might say.

She still has a pulse

2005-07-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to let you all know I am still breathing. Had guests this weekend and was also out until 3 am on Saturday with one of my bosses. I have to sadly say that a certain book has been persuading me from the computer a bit too. Any guesses as to which one that is? Back with a real post tomarrow night. Kisses all!

Brechi's Blogger Meme

2005-07-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am following Brechi's lead and doing his meme, in anticipation of an upcoming blogging anniversary.

Of the blogs you read,

1. What was the first blog you found ever saw/found?
My friend Kris's now defunct blog which is now re-incarnated with her new addition.

2. How did you find it?
She sent me the link.

3. What were the next few blogs you saw/found?
Groove , was number one, and then Brechi , JaG , Miss Macy , & Wayne

4. How many blogs do you read per day?
Well to be honest I don't get to do much on a daily basis right now because of my crappy schedule but there are a couple who I check no matter what.

5. Have you met a blogger in real life? Who? (You don't have to list them all if you're a blog whore.)
Kris is an old friend and of course my sissy .

6. Which very far-away bloggers do you think you would like to meet if you lived in the same city?
Well I have had some interesting conversations with Storm & Miss Macy I also think that Jessie and I would get along great.

7. Who is the most introspective blogger?
Hands down I think Iri fills that bill.

8. Who cracks you up?
Wayne is a hoot, his cartoons deserve a platform of their own!

9. Who is hot? (Or who do you think sounds hot if there is no picture?)
Ok Storm,has a voice that will melt frozen buttah. Brechi, has shown a couple pictures that let a girl drool. But really I find everyone on my blogroll attractive in one way or another.

10. Which blog is the latest on your link list? Or who did you just discover?
Each Day Counts he takes some great photos.

11. Who needs to update more often?
STORM AND MISS MACY! Oh and anymore-ME

12. Do you have a favorite entry? (Your own)
I think I like the posts were I just talk myself through whatever is bothering me at the time, the FAKE SUCKS post is a good example of that. Grammas Farewell is another that sticks with me.

13. What's your favorite song on the radio right now? (OK, that's not about blogging, but this is my meme -Brechi)
Fall Out Boy's Sugar, Were Going Down

lobster face

2005-07-17T23:52:00.000-07:00

Well I had a nice Saturday. Went Downtown to the Carnival and watched my niece in the parade. Ended up with a super sexy sunburn on my face. I look like I am permenately embarrassed. Yeah I know, how hot is that?!?! But it was a nice morning. To cool off we went and saw War of The Worlds

It was an OK movie, sort of anti-climactic I think, but no real complaints. Did some serious shopping on Friday and Saturday and even scored some nice additions to my shot glass collection. I LOVE that 40 % off thing!

Of course good things must come to an end and it surely did when I got to work today and we were SLAMMED! It's SUNDAY people, you know, the day of rest, go home and get the hell out of my store! ;) Though I am sure part of the reason we were so busy was because it was like a hundred degrees outside! That was the nice part of working; I am parked right under the AC vent. Now I am gonna go enjoy a cool bath and crack a new book.

big weekend 'round thisaway

2005-07-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

I have so much going on this weekend. It is such a good thing that tomarrow is payday. First of all it is employee double discount at work so I get 40 % off of everything all weekend. Spend spend spend. Of course I have to work a nine hour day before I can even start shopping. I have so many things I am looking to snag while I can get the really low price. Then there is Bohemia Mining Days here in Cottage Grove. Big ol' Carnival that takes over the whole town for a good 4-5 days. Then it is one of my sisters birthday and we will probably celebrate that. I only have Saturday off so I have to pack it all in in one and a half days!

My camera is broken again and it kills me not to have it in hand so I am ordering another one tomarrow after I get paid. I just can't live without it! I am only bummed that I can't get the quality of one I want because the price is just too much right now. Hopefully in a month or two I will be able to retire this one to one of my nieces and get the one I really want. OK so I have an early rise tomarrow so I better get to bed.

smiling sucks....sometimes

2005-07-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

The clouds looked like marshmallow ribbons across the sky tonight and the humidity of the day broke and the cool twilight air felt good on the skin as I drove home from what seemed like the longest work day ever. I personally processed $9,000+ in transactions today and when you consider that the averaged item we sell ranges from $8-25 that is a hell of a lot of merchandise to scan and bag and SMILE and greet and SMILE. My cheeks hurt from being a cheerful associate. It's a lot of work to appear happy when all you really want to do is go home crawl in bed and lose conciousness.

Sounds like a good idea really; losing conciousness, so goodnight for now.

smells good

2005-07-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

I love the smell of spent fireworks. But then again I like the smell of gasoline, so I am weird. I had a quiet fourth. I worked and got home late so I didn't really celebrate, just crawled in bed and tried to comfort a cat that thought the world was ending.

I have been very focused on work lately and it has paid off. Got the two promotions in the shortest time ever for the store and find it feels like I have been doing what I do there for years. I have only been with the company since mid-March and I am already second in command to acting management. I am proud of myself though it has taken a toll on me getting there. Stress wise in regards to worrying whether or not I could make it happen. It isn't in effect yet but it has been confirmed so I am able to relax, knowing I did enough and probably more than I had to. But it leads me to wonder just a bit if this is something I want to commit myself to. Does it make me happy and do I think I could devote myself to this field for many years. Something I am sure to ponder for quite a while.

Come On, JUMP!

2005-07-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

Come On, JUMP!
Originally uploaded by speakslyrics.

So I got to go after all just the next day so I only got to spend 1 night. Posted several pictures on flickr if you care to take a peek. It was a really nice camp out. Perfect weather. Was with the whole family with the exception of Sissy who party pooped on us. got some pretty pink cheeks from being down in the water, but it wasn't HOT like I thought it might be. In the picture above you can see that two of the girls had already taken the dive. Two were still working up the nerve. This is the best swimming hole it is super deep in one spot and super shallow on the other side for the kids. You can also see exactly how deep the water is. The girls are standing on a sort of shelf and then it is a full drop off. Had a blast! But I have to work tomarrow so I best hit the hay or I won't be able to drag my sorry ass out of bed. Night night kiddies!

Uh...or....maybe not so much....

2005-07-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

ok so the trailer didn't fit in the spot we had and no other spots were open so back home we came. dunno what we will all do this weekend now. A little pouting perhaps?

Up the Creek

2005-07-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

I am off to go camping up Sharp's Creek. Be back Sunday night. Have a safe and happy weekend everyone.

howdy neighbors

2005-06-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

I had today off. Spent a good part of it with the kids. I took them to the school playground and took pictures of them playing around and then we went to the river and played around there. Then I brought them back here to roll around in the grass with the dog. It was a really nice, slow, day. And tomarrow I get to go back to work. Open. Close. Open. Close. Open. I am working on the fourth, which means time and a half. I asked if I could open so I could be home that night but I don't know yet.

I am kinda caught up in the middle at work. One of my managers talks freely to me about a co worker and said co worker asks me questions I don't know how to answer. I kind of try to just stay clear of the subject with both of them. Sometimes it is hard to avoid so I get stuck with head nodding and excuse I need to go help this customer now. I try to be that person that everyone is comfortable talking to and this is where it gets me. Damnit anyway!

Thought this was interesting:

incest is more interesting isn't it??? uh....yeah ok...

2005-06-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

This is what I am using for wallpaper right now. How freaking yummy is that to look at while you compute???!?!?!?!! (thanks to Wayne for the middle picture!)

Thanks for the feedback on the previous post. I guess it would pique your interests a little better if I said they were brother and sister, huh. Yeah I know, ewwww. But it does give a little depth to the plot. The more I think about it I think I gave a bad scene to get critiqued. Lets try this one, if you don't mind:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now he was trudging up the back staircase to the room he was told was his. He wished he had had the forethought to ask Maggie to prepare him a private bath before she tended Dalton. He was not too interested in slopping through the mud to and from the public bathing shed at this late hour. Nay he'd suffer through another night of dust caked skin. As tired and drunk as he was, he knew a little dirt would not torment his dreams.

He opened his chamber door to find Sabra staring back at him from across the room. Her hair was still wet from her bath, and she wore only her linen nightclothes.

She pointed to the tub in front of the fire and said, "The water is still warm if you wish to bathe."

"Why are you in my chamber?" He asked.

"Because it seems that when Dalton sent word ahead to his friend Duncan he wasn't very specific that your squire was to have a chamber of his own, and there are no rooms left to be had. You're stuck with me, and I am stuck with you."

"Aren't we a lucky pair then?"

"Where's your wench then?" she asked, her words dripping with sarcasm.

"She's probably doing a very fine dance in Dalton's lap right now."

"How very kind of you, to share with your kin, if she bears a bastard you can each blame it on the other."

"She shant bear my bastard since I didn't partake in her wares. And I'll mind you to keep your tongue behind your teeth, as your knight master I do have the right to beat some respect out of you." He growled.

"Do as you will, but I will not hold my tongue for any man, no matter his station over me." she screeched.

He quickly stalked across the room and took by the arm, dragging her to the bed where he sat and pulled her face down across his lap, his strong arms holding her as she squirmed about.

"How would you like it, covered or bare arsed?" he quietly asked.

She wiggled about furiously before realizing that brute strength wasn't going to overpower the big oaf, so she bit him on the leg, hard, and she didn't release him until she felt his grip on her loosen. Then she flipped her head back into his face, causing him to reel over backwards onto the bed while she landed on the floor squarely on her rump.

It took her less time to regain her senses then it took him and she sprang on him like a cat pouncing on unsuspecting prey. He caught her in mid air and through her back across the room while he proceeded to stand rubbing his forehead and his thigh where she had taken a chunk out of his flesh.

"You vicious little vixen!" he snarled at her smirking face and began to circle her; she copied his movements not allowing him close enough to grab her again.

"I'll not be beaten by someone who hasn't earned the right." she hissed, "I even make Eric catch me when he means to correct what he considers misbehavior. I'll make it no easier for you."

"You're over confident lass, I am a man and for all your trappings you are still just a wee girl, I'll catch you easily enough."

His taunting worked; she launched herself at him knocking the wind from his lungs and the smile from his face.

"Wee lass my arse!"

He caught her furious hands in his own then twisted her crossing her arms behind her back, immobilizing her. He leaned over her shoulder and whispered softly, "Caughtcha."

"Aye, you did and let me commend you on a strategy well played, but this wee lass is as wily as any man."

"Well you are stuck fast so I suppose you can't be all that clever." he said unsure why his words made her giggle as she suddenly was.

"Am I now?" she asked beginning to enjoy their bout. While she was speaking and holding his attention she deftly slipped her foot up behind his leg hooking it and dragging it from beneath him, a feat she only could accomplish if he was distracted. As he fell she crouched and stepped backwards underneath her pinned hands, then twisted as she stood again.

He still had a tight grip about her wrists, but she was now standing above him, a foot on either side of his torso, looking down into his startled eyes. After clutching his wrists as he did hers she said,

"Now it appears as if we have caught each other." He cocked his eyebrow and looked up at her warily, a half smile beginning to curl at the corner of his mouth. A look that almost looked smug to Sabra, a look she found annoying.

"I'm rather tired, squire, I forfeit I'll beat some sense into your dense skull tomorrow. Now, I order you to help my aching arse up from the floor so my bath isn't too cold to abide, I'll concoct a proper punishment whilst I bathe."

"If I wasn't so sure you are my fathers son I'd call you a bastard. For now I'll forgive ye called me just a wee lass and perform my duties as your squire, but know I won't forget you said it and know I'll make you recant it." She said before helping him to his feet.

"Oh aye, I'm sure you will, but I will always remember that I caught you, and I'm sure you'll never forget that either." He began to remove his tunic and started for the bath.

"What are you doing?" she asked turning her back to him.

"Bathing. I'm too drunk and tired to spar with you more. Though I must say it is rather amusing. Keep your back turned another moment." she didn't need to be told, instead of turning back after she heard splashing she walked over to the pallet underneath the window and crawled inside her bedroll.

When she woke the moon was still shining in through the open window. Ember was purring away inside the foot of her blanket, causing Sabra to roll over trying to get more comfortable. She was almost content with her position when she noticed that there was an arm hanging over the bathing tub.

She scrambled out of her blanket and rushed over to the tub fearing that the fool had drowned himself. She almost laughed out loud when she discovered he was alive well enough, only near frozen with cold.

She was a little surprised when she shook his arm to rouse him and he looked up at her softly, stood and kissed her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well what thoughts do you have about this one? I appreciate them all by the way. Thank you in advance.

Does it wet your appettite for more?

2005-06-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

Ok so my loyal readers know I am making an effort to write a book. I am going back through what I already have and fleshing it out and editing and DELETING ALOT, just to turn around and re-write what I erased. What I am asking of you dear friends is to wade through this scene and tell me HONESTLY what you think of it. I can take critisism and thrive upon it so lay it on me, thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sabra had just finished saddling Storm when she sensed Raoul behind her. "I had begun to worry that you would be late for your match." she said showing no emotion.

"It's nice to know you care." He said coolly to her rigid back. He waited for her response and when he received none he continued. "I'll not have you wandering off alone again." He ordered, taking a step closer to her turned back.

"I may be your squire but you are NOT my father!" She growled while turning to face him, unprepared for how close he was to her. In the same moment he stepped into her, placing one hand at the nape of her neck and the other at her cheek, pinning her to the stable wall.

"No," he whispered, "I am not your father, and it is a good thing too, because if I were, I'd have to take you across my lap and throttle you, for your lack of respect!" He made the mistake of looking into her eyes and was lost to them, "How..?" he began to ask while leaning in to kiss her.

Sabra's body crackled with heat, the moment he touched her, her blood turned to fire, and her mind reverted to instincts she didn't know she possessed, she hungrily returned his kiss. Her hands crept up his back to tangle in his hair and his arms supported her weight, the world became nothing, all there was, was this kiss, until an approaching footfall disturbed their bliss.

Raoul came to his senses first, stepping away from her while still holding her weight against the wall. "I think you've bewitched me." He whispered, "You've damned me that's certain, now at least pretend to be composed someone comes." He removed his hands and though her knees continued to tremble her legs supported her weight on their own.

Caroline entered the stable to find Sabra rubbing down Storm and Raoul donning his chain mail, both seemed flushed. She watched them fidget for a few moments before remarking, "It's a bit warm in here, I think we'd all do well t' find some fresh air, and M'Lord ye'r due on the tilting fields soon."

Raoul looked up at Sabra's maid, and wondered when she had arrived at Morenterre and why she seemed to be watching him so closely with her steady brown eyes. Finally she smiled and he faintly returned the gesture.

"I think you are right. Now if my squire is done with my mount I'll be off." Sabra turned and silently offered him Storm's reigns and his helm, he accepted them with a cool smile, "Thanks kid." he said while turning his back to her and as he passed took Caroline's hand bowed and kissed the back of it, "It was a pleasure to be in your company again and I look forward to our next encounter." Then walked passed her.

Caroline turned to Sabra and wondered if she was aware that she openly balked, "M'Lady, close yer mouth, or a fly may fly in." When Sabra frowned Caroline smiled and added, "Soon ye'll learn how to tell when a man's after ye'r attention."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok Storm rider, his horse was named a really long time ago, so it wasn't named after you. But he is a battle stallion so I am sure you would have been okay with that.

Concensus time boys and girls......Cheesy or No????

yayyyaaaaaaaayyy!!!

2005-06-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

I officially get my "promotion" on the 1st of the month. Which means a raise, benefits, accrued time off, sick pay, my birthday and anniversary off and paid, gauraunteed full time hours and an assured yearly raise. Downside? Well I will be working a lot of nights, but I do that a lot anyway so nothing new. I am being pushed for an addition promo by two of the managers and three of the front end supervisors to be added to the rank of Front End myself. So another raise may be on the horizon. What does that mean to me? A lot, less stressing over bills definately. More opportunity for advancement, because once you sell 'em on this one you climb the ladder fast. And thirdly, I get to throw my weight around a lot more. That is important when you work with a jack ass or two. Most of the people I work with are wonderful and I count many of them as friends now, but there are two or three who are just plain lazy. It will give me the authority to get 'em off their asses and back to work.

I have plans for those larger checks too. Besides just having more financial breathing room, I have a few purchase I have been waiting to make:

1. A Pro Flickr account. I am a newbie to the photo sharing network but I am already a flickr whore and use up all my bandwidth way before the month is out.
2. get a new car stereo and tires.
3. Fix the laptop.
4. Fix the DVDR.
5. New contacts and Prescription Sunglasses.
6. TATOOOOOOOO
7. Eurolights for my car.
8. IPOD photoplayer
9. New CAMERA
10. A better Cell because the one I have doesn't work for sh*t!

Ok I will limit my superficial wants to ten for now.

That is my news for now. Spent Fathers Day very quietly with my dad watching movies and lounging around. And now I better get back to it, gonna watch Oceans Twelve next I think........drool....Brad Pitt.

too many tatoos to choose from

2005-06-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

I got my first tatoo when I was eighteen and really have wanted another every since the inker finished it. I want so many different ones though that I can’t single out which one I want to get. Any ideas? I drew this one but I don’t necessarily feel the need to draw the next. Help me! What should I get???

See more progress on: Get another tatoo

Hmmmmm.......

2005-06-16T15:34:00.000-07:00

Took this for fun, hope it's right....

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Is there another word for doubt?

2005-06-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

I doubt myself often but not in the simplest of senses. I have come to accept that is okay to be unsure. Not of who I am but where I am going and even what I want. I want a lot. I see so many roads in front of me but when I try to envision where I am going with my life a haze nestles in a mutes my forsight. It would be nice to think I could settle on one road and it would take me to some blissful future. But (as ever, there is always a but) I am left witless as to a direction and again doubting what tomarrow will be made of. And the list of wants grows daily making it even harder to narrow the many winding roads.

See more progress on: get over my doubts

faith

2005-06-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

I want someone to hand me their heart openly and trust without fear that I will not drop it and will keep it safe inspite of who I am. I know no soul that is willing to take that leap…if you are out there hurry and find me….I am waiting.

See more progress on: hold a heart in the palm of my hand

the book

2005-06-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

I am about two thirds of the way through my novel, with no assurety that it will ever reach its conclusion. I know exactly how it will end but it makes its own road and finds every detour it can.

See more progress on: Publish a novel

Shots from the lake

2005-06-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

Sillohette
Originally uploaded by speakslyrics.

~~~the kids were playing by the water, and it struck me as beautiful.~~~

This is my favorite shot off the day.

Like I said it was a cold day but the kids had no trouble making the most of it. I love how kids can do that; find a way to turn a miserable day into something fun and enjoyable. They had a blast which made it a little more enjoyable for me. Can't wait to be out there on the water when the wind lets up and the sun burns a tad warmer. Hope you liked the pictures.

Flock on the water

2005-06-13T00:58:00.000-07:00

Flock on the water
Originally uploaded by speakslyrics.

~~~this was a flock of Canadian Geese that kept swimming past the camp.~~~

I got a lot of shots off these guys but this one came out the best I think.

Sunset Over the Lake

2005-06-13T00:55:00.000-07:00

Sunset Over the Lake
Originally uploaded by speakslyrics.

~~~sunset over the lake on a cold day of summer~~~

How pretty is this one?

Brrrrr.....

2005-06-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

I spent the day out at the lake where my sister was camping. I froze my ass off all day. The wind rolling in off the water had an icy bite to it and left my teeth a chattering. I did however take 300 + pictures so I will post some of those tomarrow after work. Till then, sweet dreams my dears.

Jealousy

2005-06-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Jealousy
Originally uploaded by Joshb60796.

I love this picture it was so cute that when I saw it I had to share it with you guys!

so theres a little lead in my foot...your point?

2005-06-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dave Grohl is SEXAY! Anyone who can sing those words in that voice is just....UGH....no words, just FINE!

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool....

I'd also love making a little half Samoan baby with Mr. Johnson, he is just perdyful. Sigh. Ok tear my eyes away from the movie awards and type a real post...

So I got pulled over again and I sniffed a little and looked all sad like and I got out of the damn thing. Though to be honest I think my speedometer is wrong or off or whatever, because once again he said I was going faster than my speedometer said I was going. That aside it was like midnight and the only other person on the road was behind me hitting me with his highbeams, the cop should have pulled him over, not me. Did I use feminine wiles? No. I played the sympathy poor me card. Gotta problem with it? Too bad. I don't have two tickets in less than a week do I?

Side note: PEOPLE TURN OFF YOUR HIGHBEAMS WHEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE IN FRONT OF YOU! I am already half blind don't go making it worse!

Okay now I am gonna go write a couple pages of the book, I'm feeling the muse tickling me just behind the ear and I better stop ignoring or the bitch'll bite me.

uh yeah so...

2005-06-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

...I got pulled over again on my way home tonight. Details in the morning.

Sunshowers

2005-06-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

Wasn't todays double rainbow gorgeous?

It rained a lot today but the sun was out too. I love sunshowers, they are so beautiful. Dark black skies etched with sun beams and lit up with colors that just seem so out of place in the air, so impossibly gorgeous. This is just another reason I am in love with Oregon.

I have some time later this week to really get caught up here, and yes my friends, you are important enough to make sure I get back to our little nieghborhood on the net, so please don't think I have ditched ya'll.

Sissy seems to think it is funny that I got a speeding ticket last week. Damnit I was only going 84 in a 65 zone. Of course I saw 79 on my speedometer so I think he was mistaken, but it gave me a nice $141.00 fine to pay. bleh! anyway back to regularly scheduled programming soon, I hope.

Yeah I am a thief...sorta

2005-06-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

Another shot over the field at dusk tonight.

The other day I went to the grocery store with my mom. She bought one of those new vibrating razors. They were suppossed to be one sale but when we got back out to my car she noticed that she was charged the full amount. So being the person that I am I went back in to check on it. I went to the display and sure as shit it was on sale so I grabbed one and took it to the register (incase they needed to scan it)and told them that they had over charged me. She left me standing in line while she went to check the display herself. Bitch came back and said I was wrong. So what did I do? Well I walked out with the second razor, and the cow is none the wiser. Guess she should have given me my mom's buck fifty. I went back the next day and they were still on "sale" and they still rang up wrong.

Tomarrow I will tell you about the ticket I got yesterday. But now I am going to bed. I ended up dealing with picking up my nieces and shopping and errands and what not today and I had planned on staying in bed all day...bah...goodnight!

***Oh and the vibrating razor, well it doesn't work any better than a regular one, save your money***

help me rhonda!

2005-06-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

My apologies to those of you having trouble veiwing my page. I don't know much about firefox so I don't know how to fix the problem, and I really like this template so I would rather not start over. Does anyone have any idea how I might fix it? I need help on this one.

We have a visited coming at work from the head honcho so they have kept us at work late. Hopefully I will get home before 2 am tonight, but we'll see. Last night we were fortunate enough to escape by midnight, but tomarrows the big day so I think we are stuck until we reach perfection. Not an easy task when you consider how our lovely customers trash our store on a daily basis. Brightside? Tomarrow will not only be my Friday, but the visit will be over and I will get out of work early! Too bad I only get the one day off. But I'll take it, maybe next week I will get my days off together so I can really get something done! See ya'll later!

Night Walking

2005-05-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

I spent my day off at home and I loved it. Didn't venture farther than accross the street and that was just to take a couple pictures. The rest of the day I vegged, watched a movie and did the homey kind of things I never get a chance to, like doing laundry and getting to fold the clothes while they are still hot, imagine that. I spent a lot of the day catching up on blogs and an hour or two re-doing my Sissy's template. Had to make hers more user friendly too. So go check her out and tell her how it looks.

I went out tonight at the houses around mine and took some pictures in the dark and here is what I came up with:

I couldn't see to focus or center the shots so these are luck of the draw, but I liked these ones.

I know, I know, not the most informative of posts ever, but I am still feeling lazy and want to go crawl in bed with my book. Back tomorrow.

storms are good

2005-05-30T00:44:00.000-07:00

So I did the template, I think this one will be easier for everyone to use. A lot less scrolling. Yeah I shifted from purple to pink, but I am going through some pink phase right now, so ya'll will just have to get used to things looking like they have been coated in pepto! Ok so maybe it isn't quite that color of pink but it's pink non the less. So what's my grade?

We have had some awesome weather here in the Pacific Northwest lately. Saturday morning I got to wake to the sounds of a gorgeous storm rolling through the sky. Thunder rumbled and drew me out of bed at dawn to watch the show. Well that and the fact that the cat was tangled up in my hair trying to escape the sounds. It lasted all day, shaking the building at work too. There was a pretty nice lightning show at Valley River Center across the street from where I work. Everyone just stood out in the parking lot watching while the wind whipped and made hair and clothes swirl around them. I wish I had been able to grab my camera and snap off a shot or two.

Speaking of pictures I snapped these two off late last night when I got home from work. It was in the dark so the focus is off and they aren't centered but I like 'em anyway:

I like how the colors seem more vibrant with the dark sky.

This one was knocked down by the rain and seemed to bending over gracefully to kiss the sidewalk.

Ok folks I have tomorrow off so I will do a better update then, for now I am off to finish my laundry so I don't have to do it tomorrow. Kisses!

changing things up again

2005-05-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

Ok so as much as I like this template I am going to change it again. I am tired of scrolling in that tiny window. So I am going to use the same graphics and color pallette but change out the frames. Wish me luck, that has always been the hardest part of code for me. So if you come by anytime soon and see something different don't be alarmed, your still in the right place. But that is assuming I find the time to do it.

After 2 day shifts I am back to closing tomarrow, which means my lazy ass gets to stay curled up under the covers past 7 am! WOOOHOOO! I get excited by the smallest things!

It's heating up around here finally and tomarrow promises the mid eighties, I love that it is finally short season, my legs need some sun, but I hate that I am stuck wearing pants at work. So maybe it is more like Skirt season for me.

I am off to take a hot bubble bath and do some writing, see ya'll tomarrow!

Hmmm, what does this say about me?

2005-05-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

Its amazingly accurate:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like for your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Ok now I really have to get my butt to bed!

She does have a pulse, and didn't disappear

2005-05-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a couple of days and I am finally getting back to this. Today ends up being my only day off and I still end up out of the house for most of the day. I wonder why it is that I can never rest and then I turn around and go out and about on my day off. I can only blame myself. No excuses. But I will still bitch about it because I want to and since I don't keep a journal anymore, I get to bitch here.

On the job front I get the promotion I was waiting for but I have to wait 4 months for it to take effect so bummer there, but at least there is a little more certainty attatched to the whole thing. I have worked there for what like 2 months, maybe 2 & 1/2 and they are already making me a trainer and leving me in a supervisory role, they damn straight better give me the raise and promo, I am already doing the work.

My good friend Kris had her baby the other day so I wanna tell her congradulations on reaching the end of one very long hard road and jumping straight onto another that will take at least 18 years to reach the end of.

I am "supposed" to work days this week so maybe I will get more posting done, we'll see how it goes.

just can't think of a good title

2005-05-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

Okay I went to Eugene today intending to see a movie. How could I have forgotten that Star Wars came out and the lines were atrocious? So I scrapped the movie idea and went and got a hair cut and did a little shopping. I got a baby phat cell phone cover:

Isn't it cute? It's a pink Kitty how could I go wrong with that? Of course now if I get the phone I really want insted of the crappy ass one I am using now I will need to go get a new one, but hey, I like pink kitties.

Did I mention I cut my hair? Yeah I did that. Went and saw my sister at her salon and said cut it off, it is a pain in the as to do. So she went at it and my hair is as short as it has been in years. It doesn't look much shorter in this picture because it is straightened out. Whadd'ya think? Better before or after?

OK Iri, here are the answers to your questions:

Questions.. hmm.. any love interests (or just-plain sex interests) at the moment? Have you ever thought about being a hair model?( hehe, really I'm jealous!) What is your favorite book?

Love interests? I think I may have a crush or two, but nothing I know how to label at the moment.

Hair Model? Hmm dunno I just wacked it all off. But for years people have told me it is one of my best assets, so I suppose I should treat it better.

Favorite Book? I am so very much a book nerd so I can't say just one but a couple are right up there: Blood crazy by Simon Clark, Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card, Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Bright, The Song of the Lioness quartet by Tamora Pierce, and so very many more.

Today was my sole day off for several days and I once again didn't just stay home and vegitate like I really should have, any suggestions on why I do this to myself? Ok I am off to read blogs now, till tomarrow kiddies, love ya!

Sonofa....

2005-05-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

I just typed this really good post and somehow lost it and doubt this replacement will come anywhere near as good but here we go:

It's hot here. It's muggy here. Clothes are clinging. Bees are whispering their stories at the window, ladybugs are swarming over the porch. The cat is chasing grasshoppers and dragonflies. The air feels heavy against the skin. The air is laced with the scent of freshly mown grass. Just when it feels like the air couldn't possibly get any heavier the clouds open up and let loose what they have been promising. Warm drops splattering against the screen next to my bed and begging me to come out and play amongst them. Clouds deep grey with their bounty. You can get dizzy looking up into them as the wind wakes up and rolls them and the rain accross the sky in liquid sheets of relief. The world seems to sigh in release.

I think Spring finally arrived here. Of course here in Oregon we just go from icy rain to hot sticky rain. Muggy is definately a Season all it's own here. Makes it difficult to keep a girls curly hair looking half way decent. Oh and Storm Rider this would be a photo of my tresses:

Also I have to say I really enjoyed the voicemails from you and Miss Macy. We really do have to find a time when we can both be on the phone at the same time, eh?

Well as most of you have noticed lately all my posts have been about work. So I need something to post that will interest you and give me something to do. So...

... from my old friend Kris .

Basically ask me ANYTHING. Anything at all. No restrictions, ask as many questions as you like and I will answer them all. I do realize that in the end some of you may end up making me blush but hey a girl looks a lot better with some color in her face right? So lay 'em on me, ask away. I will eagerly await the inquisition. Good night for now, I have to work in the morning.

long post, try not to yawn, thanks. ;-)

2005-05-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

So I planned on posting much earlier today but it just didn't happen. I had to go back to the eye Dr. this afternoon to have them fix my prescription and re-order my glasses. They made me wear them for 7 days before they would let me exchange them to give my eyes "time to adjust" and today was the seventh day. So back to Eugene I went. I can't seem to get away from the place can I? Then I kinda got caught up being a lazy bum for the rest of the day.

Last night at work I got a lovely voice mail on my phone. She was right about his voice. That is all I will say. I got another message this afternoon when I got home, you should all be very jealous! Now if only I could figure out when I will be home for a certain and solid span of time so I can talk back. MMMMMMMMMMM.

Okay drooling done for a minute now it's time to complain. I am egregiously irritated with work. What is up with the bums working my ass off at full time for 2 weeks just to turn around and schedule me for less than 30 hours next week? Ate up I tell ya! Not to mention that I don't have a single day shift. I am tired of workinig nights already! blech! Anyway I suppose this post isn't as long as I thought it would be, but I have some emails and blogs to catch up on so I will be back tomarrow. In the mean time, belly up cuz its Feast time!

Appetizer
Whose intelligence do you find intimidating?
I do not think I have ever been intimidated by anyone's intelligence. I have found my Fathers intriguing, My nieces hilarious, and a couple other peoples outright baffling, but I do not intimidate easily and never by intellect.

Soup
Name something you've done that surprised yourself.
I was driving my car with 3 of my closest friends and they were all enthralled in some newspaper article. This bugged me because at that particular moment I thought I should have all the attention. So without even being aware of it myself I let out a bloodcurdling scream. Literally belted it out at the top of my lungs. They thought I ran someone over, I felt better. Though my ears did ring for a bit after, I did successfully re-garner the attention.

Salad
List 3 people whom you have only "met" online, but consider good friends.
Sorry can't narrow that down to three. See my blogroll. I have only "met" those people online and some of them I know from offline. But StormRider and Miss Macy are right up there. And Sheilah and Infinate Pink aka Christine are two more I have had a little more in depth interaction with.

Main Course
Where is the dirtiest place you've ever been?
Ask my sister about finding me behind a dumpster when I was like 6, she tells the story though I think I remember it slightly different.

Dessert
What is the best example of "perfection" that you can think of?
Oregon air after a thunderstorm.

Well it's sorta a real post.

2005-05-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like I haven't posted in for-EVA! This week has felt like one long day. Working 10 hour days and at night. If I had the same hours but during the day it would not feel nearly as severe for two reasons. 1: We are far less busy during the day and 2: there is still some day left when you leave. Oh well the paycheck will be nice.

My mom had surgery on Monday so that is another reason I have been MIA. giving spare attention to her. I have so many posts floating around in my head and think I will probably have a post fest this weekend (I HAVE FRI AND SAT OFF!!!!) So I hope to get caught up not only with myself but all of you this weekend. Right now I have to go tame my wild tresses so I can go to work all over again. KISSES!!

I promise...

2005-05-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will post I promise. it has been an eventful week and I just got home from a 10 hour day at work and I am just too tired to type. Good night until then, sweet dreams.

Don'tcha???

2005-05-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

4:30 Came way too early this morning! Then on the early morning commute I saw my life flash before my eyes several times while my car hydroplaned on the surface water that was left after the huge downpour that left me resembling a twice drowned rat. I sported the wet look for most of the day. I think I am still a tad bit soggy.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback on my layout. I still have some tinkering to do but for the most part I am liking it.

Thisis a personal request to that guy (who knows who he is) my specific photo request is your smile. You can crop it, like I did when I posted mine, if you like. Purdy Puh-lease!

Well goodnight kiddies see you tomarrow! Oh but first won't you have a bite?......

Friday Feast...

Appetizer
Name a store or restaurant you no longer visit because of a bad experience you had there.
Can you have a bad experience with food? he he just kidden. There is a restaurant I do not go to anymore because the waitress was a skanky ho! Other than that no.

Soup
If you could own any building in existence, which one would you want?
a castle in the Scottish Highlands. I love medieval things and the highlands have always been this fantasy of mine. Stormy ever worn a kilt? wink wink!

Salad
What's your favorite commercial these days?
Call me hocky but I really like the one with the Elephant dancing, I think it is cute. But I don't get to watch enough TV anymore to really see any.

Main Course
When was the last time you felt guilty about spending money, and what was it you purchased?
Today. I am broke even though today was payday, and I still splurged on a box of Chips Ahoy CHEWY chocolate chip cookies. What can I say I had a craving. That and I downloaded the Pussycat Dolls song..."Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me....Don'tcha?...Don'tcha?....

Dessert
Friday's Feast is going to be having it's First Birthday in 2 weeks. What should we do to celebrate?
Run through the streets NEKID screaming like a banshee! Oh wait that's what I am gonna do on my versay. So um maybe you could do a gourmet Feast, and ask questions, that are all super personal or something. I really have no good idea here!

Ok Nighty night folks, love ya!

Yeah I sound like a jack ass, I know.

2005-05-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

New Template

2005-05-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

I have spent tonight tinkering with my template. I hadn't planned to but I can't get into my email and I can't get to a couple other pages so I got annoyed and started playing with code. So whaddya think, huh? I'm still not too sure. Feedback is groovy!

I had to get up way too early this morning so I am gonna go crash now that I have worn out my eyes looking at the computer. Tomorrow is my Friday so I am looking forward to it. Till tomarrow my darlings!

excuse me I need to go snore now...not that I do snore or anything

2005-05-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

I wanted to say that to so many people today. The weekend shoppers just seem to be way grumpier than the weekday shoppers. I found out tonight at about 9 when I got off work that I need to be back in Eugene by 6 am. Needless to say that means I need to hit the hay. So goodnight all, sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite.