Disappointment

I thought I had reached a point in life that disappointment couldn't really affect me. But I was wrong. I am not going to really go into the ins and outs of it all here, but suffice to say I have a bit of a broken heart. It's going to mend up quick though. I have the support of my family and friends, and an amazingly supportive guy to lean on. I think I just was really caught off guard because things were going so well. It's just a speed bump though. I am changing my life if it kills me. And I've come way too far to turn around now. Who would have imagined 5 years ago I would be sober, smoke-free, on good terms with all my family, and my good REAL friends. I got out of that town. I got away from those people. I ditched all the toxic caustic people that I still love but can never have in my life while they can't see they are drowning. I like where I am at, even if I am super disappointed at the moment. =)

Meh...

Added a second med for bipolar. I would like it to work, so I can stop crying for absolutely no reason at all. Also was told by the doc that I need to spend time outside every day. Guess I better get used to lathering on all that sunscreen,

Bipolar

Apparently I am bipolar with a depressive tendency. So more meds, yay! Or not. But if it helps I guess I will continue taking them. I never see any of the upswings in mood, I only ever see the downswings. But I guess the people around me can see them both. I have been on the meds for a week and a half or so and I don't know if I see any kind of difference yet, but we will see. I just want to feel...right again. I haven't felt right in 5 years. Sad is a mainstay, even if I disguise it as happy. It's not jut about missing the angels I miss either. Though I do miss them more than I ever thought was possible.

So, fingers crossed the meds bring my real smile back, so I can put my fake one away.

Over it.

Been a pretty tumultuous few days for me. had to basically write off someone I considered family and loved like she was my own child. Can't help but wonder how anyone can let themselves become so deluded...so I cut the tie. And it hurt, but it was necessary. I am completely over anyone in my life feeling like they can dictate who and how I care about anyone else, and fabricating ugliness about my family. So bu-bye.

Delusional People...

I will never understand how some people can subscribe so full heartily in the notion that the world is stacked against the. How there is always someone else to blame. How they can fabricate circumstances to be so much worse than they really were to garner support from others by painting the picture to be so much darker than it really is. Honesty is so much easier to digest in your own heart than lies and manipulation. Yes, maybe you were wronged, but to bee up the extent of which you were means you are in the wrong too. Seriously, if you can't feel support without punching up the betrayal, maybe your friends aren't as awesome as you claim they are...

Busy

Been much busier lately. Besides watching the kiddo a lot more than I expected to, I have done 2 photo shoots with 2 of my pregnant nieces in the past week and edited a couple hundred photos. Hasn't left much in the way of time for writing, but I am not complaining. If I am creating something beautiful that is really all that matters to me!

Good Day

Today has been a really good day. I can't complain at all. The scale is still dropping. I am still writing. Those are the two most important things going on in my life so far. I am living for those 2 things. Those 2 things are what keeps me going. And now that I am watching Pixie, I have less time to dwell on the things that are less important. I like this. A lot.

Anniversaries

Anniversaries tend to reflect either a good or a bad thing. And for me the bad things are too many and the good too few. 2 days ago marked 4 years since we lost Mom. and in a couple weeks it will be 5 since we lost Jay. This time of year gets to feeling pretty brutal. But I am trying to keep the sad brushed back and the good pushed forward. The same day that marks 5 since Jay flew, marks 4 of my sobriety and cigarette free. And the next day is my birthday, and my nephews birthday. Both things I want to be able to celebrate with more smiles than tears. And in order to do that I have to dwell on all the good memories and moments that all my angels brought to my life. And those are many. I have been crushed by life in so many ways over the years, but I have also been a lucky lucky girl to have had so many perfect and blissful moments to reflect back on as well.

Old Words

Took a break from writing new things to look through the stacks and stacks of old things I have written, or started writing. Looking back and sometimes my mind astounds me. Where some thoughts spring from is easy to recall when I look at the date I put on the page. But some I forget to date and I struggle to pull up the memory that it spawned from. Sometimes writing even more than pictures and video is a brilliant walk down memory lane.

Am finding a bunch of drawings too. Makes me really miss sitting quietly in a room with my closest friends each just lost in their own little world of paper and pencil and music.

I miss far too many things.

And by things, I mean moments and people...

Writing

Submitted another piece of writing for a contest. So in love with the moments my muse strikes constantly. Writing has always been a haven for me and when it won;t come I am lost. Right now I know exactly were I am, where I have been, and can see clearly where I am going.

Memory Lane

Spent the entire afternoon reminiscing with an old friend. Reminded me that even though we were screwing up we made some great memories during those running years. Before things got out of hand and we all got so broken we really did see some stellar moments together. And it sparked the beginning of some really intimate writing in my future, where I lay it all out no secrets all the bright sunny happy laughing times along with all the dark bitter and gritty times. I can't wait. I already started...

75 or More in 2015 Book Challenge

I plan on reading like I used to most of my life again this year. I stopped reading much back in my running around acting like an ass days. I started up again shortly after my best friend and Mom died. Then I got Bells Palsy and it messed my eye up and left my right eye a lot weaker than my left so reading for very long got harder. I got discouraged and backed off again. But I am determined to change that because I know that my love for reading and my love for writing go hand in hand and each strengthens my skill in the other. So I challenged myself to get to the 75 book mark in 2015. 3 weeks in and I have finished 4. That would be higher but I didn't get much reading done during my move into the bigger space. That being said;

Books I plan to read this year:

This is incomplete, there are others I plan to read, I am only including the ones I have already.

The Rivers of London Books by Ben Aaronovitch
The Dark Angels books by Keri Arther
The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell
The Gathering of Faeries series by Maggie Steifvater
Almost everything by Marion Zimmer Bradly
Every Day by David Levithan
The 100 Series by Kass Morgan
Half Bad & Half Wild by Sally Green
The Eragon Books by Christopher Paolini
I Am Number Four Series by Pitticus Lore
The Southern Reach series by Jeff VanDeermeer
The Black Dagger Brotherhood books by JR Ward
The Legend Series by Marie Lu
Raven Cycle & Wolves of Mercy Falls series by Maggie Steifvater
On Such a Full Sea by Chang Rae Lee
Sword of Truth series (Legend of the Seeker) by terry Goodkind
Ash by Melinda Yo
Atlantia by Ally Condie
Balzacs War by Jeff VanDermeer
Boy, Snow, Bird by Helen Oyeyemi
Red Rising & Golden Son by Peirce Brown
Origin y Jessica Khoury
The Magicians and the Magician by Lev Grossman
Shiver Trilogy by Maggie Steifvater
Station Eleven by Emily St John Manda
The 5th Wave Series by Rick Yancy
The Other Normals by Ned Vincent

I also plan to re-read the Outlander books, The Tortall Books by Tamora Pierce, several Christopher Pike books (and his new books), The Vampire Diaries books and Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card, Lost souls and Drawing Blood by Poppy Z Brite and Blood Crazy by Simon Clark.

A Talk on the Shore

Finished that piece inspired by Mom and I. It was only inspired by, not a recollection of events. I submitted the first draft. Afterwards I regretted it a little because there were changes I would have liked to make but I am still happy enough with it.

Wanna read it?
Here ya go:

A Talk On The Shore

Creativity

I have been writing for as long as I can remember, but I haven't written as much creatively in the past decade as I wanted to. I am getting back to that now. The piece I am working on right now for submission is tightly connected to my relationship with my Mom. No more fitting way to re-connect with my writing than that I think.

Been letting my inner Pisces out to play more and more often. The photography helps. I know I am good at it. It makes me happy. And I get better and better with every shoot. I am happy with the direction of my life so much more now that I get to create beautiful and thoughtful things again.

So much is happening this year...

Haven't been by here in a while. Seems like several of my lasts posts start out that way. There is a lot and a little going on in my life right now. The so much part is that I am working towards a major surgery in June. It will change my life and health completely. Making huge changes in my lifestyle in the effort to see that to fruition. Taking a break from school too, while I prepare. That is where the little comes into the picture. With school not happening I have a lot of time on my hands. Maybe taking care of Pixie will help with that. But otherwise it leaves me with a lot of time for working out, reading, and writing, and working on the photography. So many goals fall into your head when you have time to think about things. A lot of change has already come to pass, a lot more is coming.

Their anniversaries are also just around the corner. Mom's, then Jay's. And Jay's is also my sobriety anniversary. A lot to reflect on I really believe I will be here more often.

2015 is a big year. Besides the surgery this summer. I will have 3 more great nephews/nieces. A lot to look forward too. Going to definitely try to focus on the positive.