Thursday, November 24, 2005

For this I give Thanks

For the little things like being warm, having nieces and nephews to spoil and LAUGH with, and remember to store all my Christmas Card Addresses in my Palm Pilot last year so I won't have to search for them for HOURS like I did last year. For bigger things like a family that knows no end and who I can always count on. I am thankful for practical things like a job and a running car and the ability to meet my basic needs. And thankful for less than practical things like cheesy movies that somehow hold my interest even when I should have gone to bed hours ago. I am thankful for the things I love to do like taking pictures and having the blessing of an abundance of models who are happy to oblige. I am thankful for the people who really know me and still want to know me and who care about every little thing about me and who forgive my quirks and flaws and even embrace them. I am thankful for the simple freedoms I hold and for the men and woman like my father who have sacrificed so much to maintain those freedoms for all of us. I am thankful for the purring ball of fluff who is sitting on my shoulder while I type. I am thankful that I was not alone today and that I had people I care about with me. I am thankful for the brat of a sister who tormented me all day because I know she loves me even though she is a goober. And I am thankful for the other sister who did not torment me (even though she does sometimes) because I was too busy dealing with the other sister and she knows I can't keep up with both of them. I am thankful for a mother who can't be without us girls and who makes us each a vital part of her life. I am thankful for a father who has always sacrificed for his family and who drives me nuts everyday but cares enough to give us all that attention. I am thankful for the fact that both of my parents took the time to raise us girls to be respectful, loving , smart, and moral. I am most thankful to just be who I am. Cuz I kinda think she is a pretty decent person to be. And she is lucky, and she knows it.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Love, and all....

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

it's ok...i'll still glow

I have been living in the clouds all week. They have settled about the Willamette Valley and tucked us into their chilly blanket. It feels a little like living in heaven except that insted of the peace I envision from heaven, drama abounds inside the haze we are wrapped within.

Work is starting to go in a direction I think is positive. And sissy and I will be working together again. Someone quit today so she gets an even better position than she thought she would get. I found out that someone at work said she hated me and had no reason as we never even really interacted. I am assured that it is more about the position that I hold and the people who like me than who I am personally but it still makes a person wonder what I did to cause someone to feel that way.

I am tired of clinging to the idea of becoming what other people want me to become in order to be accepted. I can't even please myself let alone everyone else so I am begining to take the take it or leave it route. If you want soemthing from me, that is fine and well if it is something I am capable of giving at the moment. If it isn't. Sorry.

I have been disappointed myself when people don't turn out to be what I thought but I don't have any intention of holding it against them and I will be damned if I will shed anymore tears for people being disapointed in me. Or not liking me. Or being jealous of whatever. It's all a bunch of BS and no one should waste their time over it. Our hearts aren't meant to break over pettiness. I have had so many little heartbreaks in my life because of my own faults that I can't let it happen anymore over what other people "think" are my faults.

Done rambling incoherently.

I am totally feeling this song by Katy Rose right now. It's called Glow and I highly recommend it.

You can close you're eyes and tell me
That you are a visionary
And maybe you're a little scarey
But you take my breath away
When you say you'l always be there
It paints such a lovely picture
But no matter how you frame it
It's still pornography

Nobody seems to hear
Till I scream and shout
Evan if you tie me down
And you blow my candle out
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfict someone
that you'll never know
I'll still glow

I see this girl with so much anger
Pacified by holding starngers
Making peace with all her danger
By looking in the mirror
The pureness in my name is gone now
You've taken it too far but somehow
I'll lick my wounds and take the last bow
And hold my cold left hand
There's so many things
That you rant about
The only thing I know for sure

If you blow my candle out
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfect someone
That you'll never know
I'll still glow

I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the pertfect someone
That you'll- that you'll never know
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfect someone that you'll never know
I'll still glow

Monday, November 14, 2005

It is the middle of November...WTF???

It's that time of year and I'll be damned if it feels like the year has flown past. I love the holidays, I think they bring out the best in me. The well behaved youngest sister who wants only to shower her family with gifts and happiness. The naive daughter who has yet to be jaded in the eyes of her mother who doesn't want to destroy that illusion. The hard worker who relentlessly dons a smile. The faker, who isn't really faking it, because it is all genuine, it just isn't complete. Because she is hiding away the other little bit that is unhappy with certain things. And it really is only just a little bit. At least right now it is.

My life is feeling like it is out of my hands and I honestly don't know if I am grateful for that or not. I am anxious all the time and at the same time I am content with that. Contradiction? Yeah I know. Someone once suggested to me that maybe I like to play with my own mind. That is entirely possible. It is probably even true. I am my own protagonist. But at least I own it. And ultimately, even if I am the one who screws up my life, I don't deny that I am the one responsible. And I am beginning to embrace my own screw ups. And I can look in the mirror and smile, at least half of the time.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I'm tagged so....

I am sitting here watching Blade Trinity I love when King (Ryan Reynolds…yummm…) calls the vamp chick a cock juggling thunder cunt. I don’t like that word personally but it totally works when he says it.

Anyway I am tagged so here goes.

Part One
1. Were you named after anyone? Yes after a TV Character

2. When did you last cry? I cry all the time…probably the last Folgers commercial

3. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey especially left over Thanksgiving Turkey

4. what is your most embarrassing cd? Uh I would have to say Teen Riot…but I really like the song toy soldiers and that was the only way to get it.

5. Where is your second home? The only other place I feel at home is at my grammas house…because it has never changed.

6. Do you trust others too easily? It depends on who I am at the moment, and what they say to me…I am a sucker for the right words.

7. what was your favorite toy as a child? I liked barbies but I loved paper…crayons, pencils and pens….and my first typewriter that I got at 7.

8. would you bungee jump? Hell Yeah!

9. Do you think you are strong? Yes, physically but maybe not so much emotionally…but flip the bitch switch and honey ITS ON! I find people have been flipping that switch a lot lately.

10. What are your favorite colors? The colors of the sky and the water….blues and silvers.

11. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? I would like to be healthier but ultimately I want to be able to stand still and be content. I don’t have the ability to be content…satisfied.

12. Who do you miss the most? Deceased? My grandfathers, they were both special men each for different reasons.

13. What was the last thing you ate? A packet of sweet tarts out of the left over Halloween candy bowl.

14. If you were a crayon, which color would you be? Aquamarine

15. What is the weather out right now? Windy rainy and COLD…a perfect stormy day.

16. Last person you talked to on the phone? I am not good at phones, I think it was my sister asking when I was going to get there to fix her computer.

17. Do you wear contacts? No, but I should they would help my vision from getting worse.

18. Last movie you watched? House of Wax for Halloween. I am watching Blade Trinity right now.

19. Favorite day of the year? Christmas…especially if there is snow on the ground.

20. Where would you want to go on your next vacation? Next Vacation, ha, there hasn’t ever been one of those yet. I really want to go to the Scottish Highlands someday.

21. Favorite smells? Rain….I love rain, the ocean, a campfire and burnt matches and cinnamon…oh and freshly cut grass.

22. What's the furthest you've been away from home? Not very far I think I have been to CA, ID, and WA, just across the Oregon borders though.

Part Two
Three things you like about yourself: my empathy, my creativity, hands ( I can palm a ball, type a mile minute, and still have pretty red and perfectly shaped tips, naturally, well not the red part)

Three things you don't like about yourself: my health, my half empty glass, that I tend to instinctively close open doors

Three things that scare you: not being in control, rejection, acceptance

Three of your everyday essentials: caffeine, lipstick, and chenille socks

Three things you are wearing right now: a pink ruffled teenie weenie tank, grey boy sweats that are way too big (translation: super comfy) and my fluffy pink slippers

Three of your favorite songs: Fortunate Son, teenage wasteland, there goes my baby. All three are classics!

Three things you want in a relationship: understanding, humor, and selflessness

Three things that turn you on: breath on my neck, holding my hand, and playing with my hair

Three things that turn you off: body odor, people who are self centered, and when you call me by the wrong name

Two truths and a lie: I fall asleep in the bathtub all the time, I still play in the rain and I always drive the speed limit

Three things you can't live without: writing, my camera, and my sobakowa pillows

Three places you want to go on vacation: The highlands, Greece and Iceland

Three things you just can't do: dance, be idle, and get up any earlier than I absolutely must

Three kids names: Kyla, Gwyndylan and Michael Marie

Three things you want to do before you die: Be Published, Spend a year photographing every place I ever wanted to visit, and find happiness.

Three of your favorite musicians: Sarah Brightman, Rob Thomas, and 3 doors down

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: Big arms, soulful eyes and good lips

Three of your favorite hobbies: blogging, photography, & writing

Three things you really want to do badly right now: curl up in bed and watch movies, slip into a hot bath and for some reason go Christmas shopping hmmmmm

Three careers you're considering/you've considered: Writer, photographer, and IT

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: I can hold my alcohol, I’d rather have a pickup than a car, and that is all I can think of

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: I love pink, I love my kitty and I love make up

I am not going to tag anyone else becaue it is too hard to decide, so if you do it just leave me a comment so I can come see.

Have a good weekend everyone, I am going to crawl into bed now, this chicka is plumb tuckered out.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Time? HA ya right!

So I am going to pull from my cache of posts that I have never posted because I just can't decide what to say:

Crushes Throughout my Life

Corey Haim All I have to say is dimples okay!
Kiefer Sutherland In the Lost Boys
Jordan Catolano NOT JARED LETO (from My so called life)
Sean Connery HELLO No explanation necessary
Bo & Luke Duke I think it was the car....So I edit that I crushed on the General Lee!
The characters Jonathan and Liam and Raoul in the Alanna books by Tamora Pierce
The Rock (AKA Dwayne Johnson) I gotta a soft spot for Samoans especially smart ass ones!
Cole Hauser as Benny in dazed and confused
Sean Austin in his white water summer years

Girl crushes (girls I wanted to be)

Alanna (Again from the Tamora Pierce books, she was a bad ass female knight)
Sonora Webster (She rode the diving horses, how cool is that? Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken will always be my favorite movie ever)
Angela Chase (She got Jordan Catalono DUH!)
Sheena (The Bitch could talk to animals and got to ride zebras and sleep with leopards)
Jennifer Beals in Flashdance ( This movie made me really consider being a stripper!)