Fractured Somehow

Where did the world go while I was away? So much has happened and I couldn't begin to scratch the surface of it all. I fell out and in with people I cared for. I fell out and in and out and into love. I was burned and and found faith in others. Lost faith in myself and found it again beneath the ashes of a burnt bridge. I have tried to wash away the smell of sulfer from my hands but the matches left their mark. I have fucked up, been fucked up, and seen fucked up. And still I breathe. Each breath a little more sweet and a little less expected than the one before.

I stepped away from the man that was ruining me. I allowed myself to do far too many damaging things with/because/inspite of him. And I hit a point when he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me in my car at 5:30 in the morning that I just sighed to myself and internally asked when in the hell I started takin this shit from ANYONE let alone a control freak who is so desperate to believe what he thinks is right is right that he will trash the best fucking thing he could have ever hoped to have. I gave up way too much of myself for him so I stepped....right into the best friendship I have ever had. I am not with anyone now, though I spend 90 % of my time with an amazing man who astounds me mentally, emotionally, and sexually in ways I am still trying to comprehend. Whats the hitch you say? He is broken. He has been screwed over so many ways in his life that I am not sure I will get the door pried open for mare than what he can already give me...friendship...and mind blowing sex....both of which I will take happily, and just quietly hope that somewhere in there I will find a sliver to slip through. That and I am merely a friend to him (which is what I want above all else) and I know the attraction is not there for him like it is with me. I ache to touch him when he is anywhere near me and the sweetest sensation I have ever felt were his lips grazing my neck. I do not know how or why this grew in me as strongly as it has but it did and I have and will continue to tolerate minor little heartbreaks everyday just to breath his air. He's already got my heart, I just want to know what it is to hold his in return.

So there you are a quick update with much more to follow............

New post tomarrow...PROMISE!!!

Look there is a pretty pink egg up there! (Raina on the hunt)

One of the best pics from this weekend, I spent the majority of Saturday at the barn with relatives. Then took 6 teenagers to Wal-Mart to print pictures...one dressed up as a pimp named Shorty and break danced in the aisles....Next Day someone had the bright idea to take them all to both of the local malls............Crazy!! insane and lacking wisdom....I agreed ;) Had fun with them all and we even shoved all their little butts into one photo booth...those are nice pics!

So is there life after work? Bitch, Puh-LEEZE! The real question is there an after work? It seems like you get home a little later every day and then you get to work on things from home too. I want play time already! I want to get out and enjoy the rain and the wind in my hair. I want to fly down the freeway with the windows down and the music up and sing at the top of my lungs to eighties music! Wait no I want to Fly down the backroads with the windows down singing at the top of my lungs to 70's music, good music whenever it was made. Loud angry music that makes you want to drive faster.

I want to curl up in bed and not worry about what time I have to emerge. To float in and out of sleep for so long the real and the dreams all bleed together. And the only nightmare is dragging my lazy ass out of bed.

I want to wander through the swamp in the rain watching the raccoons and listening to the dragonflies and crickets and birds scavenging. Come home soaking wet and melt into a hot bath.

I want to walk the Bryce Creek trails and photograph the falls and nap in the ferns.

I want to go nightwalking in the middle of the night, go night swimming and lay on the beach star gazing.

I want to not be stuck at work all day long and come home so tired I don't feel like doing anything else.

But yeah right...whatever.

Well lets see, I had my birthday. It was a good one, no complaints at all. Another year older. Got some interesting presents, some of which take batteries. (thanks Sissy just wait until your batchelerette party ;) Otherwise it has mainly been work work and a little more work. Not much fun to be had when you are bustin your ass all day long and when your exhausted when you finally get home, not from the work itself but from the drama! Everytime it seems like we may finally squash all the dramatics more pop up. It's ridiculous really.

Then there was the weather. It has been pretty nasty lately, with windstorms and snow storms and COLD. It is still a little chilly but it is gorgeous out today. The sky is completely clear and you can almost believe Spring is just about here.

Now that I have my car back I might take advantage of the day and go for a drive....just not up in the mountains ;)

This what I woke up to...yay! nIt is a lot deeper now! I love snow.















THIS is what got me through the day, carmel frapachino with a double up shot.

Caffiene is my hero.

This bitch is TIRED, so tired that I am not outside dancing in the snow!

...and gave us a reprieve from the downpours that graced us for the rest of the day.

I pissed off sissy today while plotting her batchlerette party, she CANNOT handle not knowing what we have in store for her. Nothing bad though it will all be in good fun, Really sissy it will. Besides...thats what you get for getting hitched! I won't let any nakkkid men molest you I promise!!!

On another note I am going to turn 27 on Sunday and I am completely lost. Where in the Hell did 21-26 go? I remember every detail of those years but I'll be damned if it seems like they only lasted a couple months! Anyway it just feels like they are flying by way too fast. Oh well. G'night.

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

Click here:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=Speakslyrics
To tell me what you think of me.

One of the last places my car was that it was still going. :( It still isn't fixed. I miss my car!!!!
Sniffle, pout, groan. I am having to settle for driving this:



Torture I know. But it still is not MY car. :(

So my early birthday gift was going to a concert with my sisters and my mom to see Josh Gracin. I h ave been a fan since his stint on American Idol. He is just adorable! It was an excellent concert. I took over 100 pictures but only a few came out because of the lighting and the fact that he doesn't hardly hold still so they are all blurry. (I need a new camera damnit!) But this one came out decent I guess.

I am one of those people who like ALL music. I will have amix CD with "I'm in love with a stripper" (Rap) "Drunker than me" (country) "walk Away" (Pop) and some Danzig or Rob Zombie, throw in some 80's music and hair bands, a dash of Credence Clearwater and some Drifters or something and I am in hog heaven.

Anyway it was one of those concerts that is all high energy even during the ballads, when you leave tired just from watching someone give it all they've got. Loved it.

So now it is a weekend devoted to making the car go again.....er, hopefully....I really miss driving!

Wrote this a couple weeks ago, while wandering

conversations in a dark car at 3 am tend to leave me a little unnerved, bereft of any sense and wondering what solitude really is. how can i taste it, cover myself in alone, like a blanket on a fevered child, unwanted but necessary just the same

4 am leaves me wondering what the hell happened to me through the night and how can i find my way back from the ledge i am tetering on and only wanting to fall

5 am brings the leap, i can finally give in with the comoing of dawn, and go to sleep hungering for more

I was complimented on my lips 4 times this weekend. I think my scar is annoying and that they are big. Hmmph. Anyway...
I went for the blonde streaks again, and now I am more blonde than dark like in this picture taken yesterday. Actually there is hardly any dark left in it. Kind of scary.






Jazzie had her baby last night. She is a little go getter. Up and running laps an hour after coming into the world. Didn't like the blanket at all but it was pretty cold last night so suffer she did. ;) Isn't she cute? Mystique had her baby a little while ago. She was dubbed "Party Like a Rockstar" Star for short that is them in the next pic. These two little girls are half sisters. They share the same daddy "Stings Theme" or Rocky for short.

I found out it may be longer than I thought on my car. so now I am pouting. I drove my moms z28 over the weekend and now I am dying to drive again. I hate having no wheels. It sucks! Any way later, I gotta hit the hay, I gotta work tomorrow.

Just posting my myspace addy: http://www.myspace.com/speakslyrics

Looks like I am going to a concert for my birthday, just me my mom and my 2 sisters. On Wednesday. Josh Gracin. I rooted for him on American Idol but he went home before the end. Oh well.

Not sure yet what I am doing when my birthday actually gets here. I have made several suggestions. Tha main one being a coast trip. Play in the sand. Maybe my friends (the ones that bought the shots and the lapdance) that have quads would wanna go. I wanna do something besides going to the bar and getting plowed. (Which I tend to do when I actually go to the bar).

Tomarrow I am gonna try and go get my hair did...Go back to the blonde chunks since they are bleeding through the dark color anyway. It is getting long again and I think I want to trim it again. Long or shoulder length? I can't decide but I need it to be different.

Car is still broken after the adventure on the mountain. We had to order a part all the way from Korea. Damn foriegn rigs....J/K ;) I like my car. But I am held up on getting it fixed while I wait for them to ship me a little $6.75 piece of plastic (that melted when he got impatient when we were stuck, and reamed the clutch and accelerator....men....very impatient! Meanwhile I was outside pushing the damn thing and getting ice, mud, and rocks kicked up on me.) Anyway no friends will be driving the car anymore. Just me, then when it breaks it is all my fault! Or when I wreck it which is more likely since I drive like a maniac.

Anyway look I posted twice in the same week! I am making a comeback! I so kick ass! ;)

....for you to come back.....
....and wake me up again............................................................

It has been a weird few weeks for me. I haven't been too interested in doing some of the things I usually do. Kind of going through an "I am over all that" phase. But that never lasts and I always come back to who I really am.

Quick Summary:

Drunk and throwing up at the Silver Dollar club (strip club) Really big mixed drinks were involved...lots of them.

spending the night broke down in my car up in the snow only to walk about 15 miles down the hill the next day before we found a ride. (thanks nice couple in the mini-van that was very nice)

The inability to walk straight for the following week.

Losing 26 lbs in two weeks because food nauseated me.

and on-going venom spewing between my sister and I over a bunch of BS.

Yeah eventful.

Good news? I didn't wash away in any of the floods yet! Oh happy day!

I had a quiet New Years, relatively. Had a messed up shoulder and stayed home.

SUPER FUN and soooo memerable. ;) Had a couple nice conversations though. So figured I would post these fun pics cuz they are there and I want to ;)

I am sitting here eating homemade speghetti and trying to figure out how to patch my favorite pair of jeans. I tend to put my hands in my back pockets and I finally tugged on them enough to tear them. I can't bring myself to throw them away cuz they are my favorite...why are they my favorite? Well because I am tall and I spent my whole life either in shorts or looking like I was waiting on a flood, and these bad boys are long enough for my long legs. Irriplaceable.

Anyway, I am gonna crash now back to go visit everyone else tomarrow.

MMMMM.....DIRT!

Wow since Christmas is over does that entitle me to a nap? It has been GO GO GO all December! Between work and shopping and wrapping and taking Christmas pictures and making cd's for friends to give their kids and Christmas cards and and and and and.....it seems like sleep was never really on the list.

It was a nice day though, stayed in town and went to my sisters house. Got a lot of looks at the carload of gifts I had. There was barely room left in the car for me. (took 2 trips and no they were not all from me)

Looks like everyone enjoyed their gifts from me, at least I hope so. My favorite gift opening moment is in the picture above.

I got a book of Racheal Hale's photography, two movies (Serenity & Four Brothers) and an awesome pink satin bedset from Victoria Secret. Much more than I expected.

Stuffed our faces with more food then any of our belly's were meant to hold. Took pictures of all the kids and am now ready to pop a dvd in and crash.

Overall...no complaints here. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

May your holiday be filled with the kind of wonder graced upon children.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

There is a cat in my shirt!
Her new thing is to jump onto my shoulder and then nose her way down in between my shirt and my hoody and take a nap while I type.










Thems my girls. Aren't they beeuteeful?
These four are my regular little models, they like to pose for their auntie. I love them, even though they are ornery. They come by that naturally of course. ;)









That's right Bitches! You know they're sexy, ye'r just jealous! :D I like my toe socks! They keep my tootsies warm when it is below freezing all day long like it was today! And they're PINK...Hello!

NO I did not wear them like that all day.







The Christmas lights reflected in my car window, all stretchy looking.



















We're so cool! We even decorated the old fishin boat. :o)











Playing with the camera and the Christmas lights in the front yard.









It is freaking cold this way! I LOVE it!

Another co-worker quit today. I'm not sad, I think it is best for all involved. She isn't happy there and that makes other people unhappy. The bummer is that I liked her, I just didn't understand where her animosity came from . Oh well I know in my heart that I was never in the wrong so that is all I need to know.

K off to play with pics now. TA~

Ok so a guy came up to me while I was doing the office mail run. Just some random guy. Never saw him before, probably won't ever again. Guy just walks up to me and says,

"Dude, you know that feeling when you haven't wiped well enough? Yeah, that's
what I got."

WTF! First of all no I DON'T know that feeling, secondly hella overshare, thirdly I am a complete stranger, step away from the crackpipe!

I swear people say the strangest things to me. I must have one of those faces, one of those hey this chick really needs to know about the funk going on on my stanky ass face. ???

Ok um yeah so how was your day?

Some Random shots from the past couple weeks:


Does this make me a bad pet parent? She looks soooo cute in her little jean jacket with the pink fur!
This definitely doesn't make me a bad pet owner, I am getting her into the Christmas Spirit, with a nice warm sweater and Santa hat.

My co-workers daughter brought her this cute little chocolate snowman that she had made in home ec. Anyway, the arm fell off and we being the pervs that we are though that relocating the appendage was funny. Thus the birth of Happy the Snowman!

Snowball excited to play. We were shooting photos for her flyer and she just wanted to run around. She is one hell of a cute pony. But she really does not like for you to put bows in her mane. Cruiser thinks I taste good. I don't think I would let him bite me so readily once he is all grown up but while he is still a little guy I will humor him.

Well I guess that is all for now blogger isn't letting me put anymore on right now.

Trying to get into the Christmas Spirit. Decorating and listening to all the jingles. LOVING the cold weather even though I have a scratchy throat. In the morning when Sissy and I are driving the backway to work you can't hardly see ten feet in front of us because of the fog that has made the Willamette valley its new home. They keep promising us snow but they are fibbers. :( I can't wait for the snow. I am just like a little kid when it comes to snow.

I have done a little of my Christmas shopping and even got a pretty good plan in place to get Christmas cards out this weekend. It just seems like it is all going too fast. Our house is like a big black hole in the neighborhood because everyone else has already decorated and we just have not had the time. And Jeez it is only the 5th, usually they don't all have their lights up by now. We have drug the 10 or so great big plastic totes out of the attic but have yet to crack them open and start swathing the house in Christmasy sparkle, maybe this weekend.

Anyway there was a mini update. More pics tomorrow. Till then find some mistletoe and git yerself some lovin!

For the little things like being warm, having nieces and nephews to spoil and LAUGH with, and remember to store all my Christmas Card Addresses in my Palm Pilot last year so I won't have to search for them for HOURS like I did last year. For bigger things like a family that knows no end and who I can always count on. I am thankful for practical things like a job and a running car and the ability to meet my basic needs. And thankful for less than practical things like cheesy movies that somehow hold my interest even when I should have gone to bed hours ago. I am thankful for the things I love to do like taking pictures and having the blessing of an abundance of models who are happy to oblige. I am thankful for the people who really know me and still want to know me and who care about every little thing about me and who forgive my quirks and flaws and even embrace them. I am thankful for the simple freedoms I hold and for the men and woman like my father who have sacrificed so much to maintain those freedoms for all of us. I am thankful for the purring ball of fluff who is sitting on my shoulder while I type. I am thankful that I was not alone today and that I had people I care about with me. I am thankful for the brat of a sister who tormented me all day because I know she loves me even though she is a goober. And I am thankful for the other sister who did not torment me (even though she does sometimes) because I was too busy dealing with the other sister and she knows I can't keep up with both of them. I am thankful for a mother who can't be without us girls and who makes us each a vital part of her life. I am thankful for a father who has always sacrificed for his family and who drives me nuts everyday but cares enough to give us all that attention. I am thankful for the fact that both of my parents took the time to raise us girls to be respectful, loving , smart, and moral. I am most thankful to just be who I am. Cuz I kinda think she is a pretty decent person to be. And she is lucky, and she knows it.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Love, and all....

I have been living in the clouds all week. They have settled about the Willamette Valley and tucked us into their chilly blanket. It feels a little like living in heaven except that insted of the peace I envision from heaven, drama abounds inside the haze we are wrapped within.

Work is starting to go in a direction I think is positive. And sissy and I will be working together again. Someone quit today so she gets an even better position than she thought she would get. I found out that someone at work said she hated me and had no reason as we never even really interacted. I am assured that it is more about the position that I hold and the people who like me than who I am personally but it still makes a person wonder what I did to cause someone to feel that way.

I am tired of clinging to the idea of becoming what other people want me to become in order to be accepted. I can't even please myself let alone everyone else so I am begining to take the take it or leave it route. If you want soemthing from me, that is fine and well if it is something I am capable of giving at the moment. If it isn't. Sorry.

I have been disappointed myself when people don't turn out to be what I thought but I don't have any intention of holding it against them and I will be damned if I will shed anymore tears for people being disapointed in me. Or not liking me. Or being jealous of whatever. It's all a bunch of BS and no one should waste their time over it. Our hearts aren't meant to break over pettiness. I have had so many little heartbreaks in my life because of my own faults that I can't let it happen anymore over what other people "think" are my faults.

Done rambling incoherently.

I am totally feeling this song by Katy Rose right now. It's called Glow and I highly recommend it.

You can close you're eyes and tell me
That you are a visionary
And maybe you're a little scarey
But you take my breath away
When you say you'l always be there
It paints such a lovely picture
But no matter how you frame it
It's still pornography

Nobody seems to hear
Till I scream and shout
Evan if you tie me down
And you blow my candle out
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfict someone
that you'll never know
I'll still glow

I see this girl with so much anger
Pacified by holding starngers
Making peace with all her danger
By looking in the mirror
The pureness in my name is gone now
You've taken it too far but somehow
I'll lick my wounds and take the last bow
And hold my cold left hand
There's so many things
That you rant about
The only thing I know for sure

If you blow my candle out
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfect someone
That you'll never know
I'll still glow

I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the pertfect someone
That you'll- that you'll never know
I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfect someone that you'll never know
I'll still glow

It's that time of year and I'll be damned if it feels like the year has flown past. I love the holidays, I think they bring out the best in me. The well behaved youngest sister who wants only to shower her family with gifts and happiness. The naive daughter who has yet to be jaded in the eyes of her mother who doesn't want to destroy that illusion. The hard worker who relentlessly dons a smile. The faker, who isn't really faking it, because it is all genuine, it just isn't complete. Because she is hiding away the other little bit that is unhappy with certain things. And it really is only just a little bit. At least right now it is.

My life is feeling like it is out of my hands and I honestly don't know if I am grateful for that or not. I am anxious all the time and at the same time I am content with that. Contradiction? Yeah I know. Someone once suggested to me that maybe I like to play with my own mind. That is entirely possible. It is probably even true. I am my own protagonist. But at least I own it. And ultimately, even if I am the one who screws up my life, I don't deny that I am the one responsible. And I am beginning to embrace my own screw ups. And I can look in the mirror and smile, at least half of the time.