Monday, October 16, 2006

She is alive...if only a little

Where did the world go while I was away? So much has happened and I couldn't begin to scratch the surface of it all. I fell out and in with people I cared for. I fell out and in and out and into love. I was burned and and found faith in others. Lost faith in myself and found it again beneath the ashes of a burnt bridge. I have tried to wash away the smell of sulfer from my hands but the matches left their mark. I have fucked up, been fucked up, and seen fucked up. And still I breathe. Each breath a little more sweet and a little less expected than the one before.

I stepped away from the man that was ruining me. I allowed myself to do far too many damaging things with/because/inspite of him. And I hit a point when he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me in my car at 5:30 in the morning that I just sighed to myself and internally asked when in the hell I started takin this shit from ANYONE let alone a control freak who is so desperate to believe what he thinks is right is right that he will trash the best fucking thing he could have ever hoped to have. I gave up way too much of myself for him so I stepped....right into the best friendship I have ever had. I am not with anyone now, though I spend 90 % of my time with an amazing man who astounds me mentally, emotionally, and sexually in ways I am still trying to comprehend. Whats the hitch you say? He is broken. He has been screwed over so many ways in his life that I am not sure I will get the door pried open for mare than what he can already give me...friendship...and mind blowing sex....both of which I will take happily, and just quietly hope that somewhere in there I will find a sliver to slip through. That and I am merely a friend to him (which is what I want above all else) and I know the attraction is not there for him like it is with me. I ache to touch him when he is anywhere near me and the sweetest sensation I have ever felt were his lips grazing my neck. I do not know how or why this grew in me as strongly as it has but it did and I have and will continue to tolerate minor little heartbreaks everyday just to breath his air. He's already got my heart, I just want to know what it is to hold his in return.

So there you are a quick update with much more to follow............