Monday, September 06, 2004

Pessimism and Procrastination

I don't know what I want. Anymore it seems I am the nastiest of pessimists. But only when it comes to me. My hope hasn't died for the rest of the world, it just seems like I can't fill my own cup more than halfway. I am just lost. Floating out somewhere I have never been before. Net-less and with no strings.

I have read my horoscopes and read my cards, funny thing is, that as little stock as I really put in them, they both said exactly the same thing: "The answer is at your fingertips." But the only thing at my fingertips is my laptop's keyboard. The only thing I can draw from that is to write. Which is my first love in life. But writing to survive takes time. Bills must be paid in the interim. Huge car payments and insurance alone would eat up any unemployment I get.

Fate is a worthless wench who should get her ass kicked sometime really soon. And I want to be there when it happens, I want to kick her when she's down, just like she did me.

Who am I kidding though. Everything in my life has always eventually turned out okay. I have a great family that looks out for eachother and I always manage somehow. So what am I bitchen about?

I still haven't written that paper for my class. I am not just procrastinating, I can't seem to find my muse. I think she ran away when fate started throwing her temper tantrum. Lousy bitches, one you want to stay away and she sucker punches you and the other runs and hides when you need to use her as a shield. Urrg!

I don't know what the hell I want, I think I just want someone to decide for me. That would be easy enough, revert to being a little girl and let everyone else make my decisions. So there it is my handy solution. hmmph yeah right. As soon as someone would make one I would know exactly what I don't want to do. I am just too fickle.

I am craving movie popcorn with lots of butter and manicotti. Whaddya suppose that means?

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