Tuesday, September 06, 2011

I listen to mine...

Listen to your heart was a good song. And a song with a very good point. 'There's nothing else you can do.' Why would anyone try to ignore theirs? The concept is so utterly foreign and ludicrous to me that I just can't fathom it. I love someone who has been taken from this world. I have no plan or intention to love someone else. I will not risk having to try and survive it again. I am barely surviving it now. To ask me to set aside the only coping mechanism I have is so far removed from acceptable that I don't even know how to react to the suggestion. Or command really. Other than to say Fuck off! Not going to happen! Frustration is an understatement. I would have never thought the people I would expect to care the most for and about me would turn their back on me in this way. It hurts. Brutally hurts really. It isn't even that they are turning their backs, because that is really what they are doing. It is more that they are refusing to even try to see where I stand and are in essence attacking me for still feeling and not 'moving on.' This in their eyes is dwelling. This in my eyes is grieving the only way I know how. By remembering, avidly and enthusiastically someone I want to ensure never fades in my memory even a little. Partially because I want to remember and mostly because remembering makes me feel a little more like he is still with me. Still making me laugh, still having faith in me, supporting who I am and what I do, and loving me. Because he did love me. We had a complex relationship that escapes definition in a lot of ways. But we did love each other. And that was said and acted out many times and in many ways, by both of us, so taking away the value and depth of what we had together is not only unfair but callous beyond comparison.

No comments: