Order

Been bringing a little order to this place. And by place I mean my life in general. Whether it be filing bills and paperwork or establishing a schedule for all the meds I have had to take on over the past year, I am creating a semblance of order to my life. It is my complete belief that that is what it will take to ever get ahead of this disease I have found myself saddled with. A regimen that properly nourishes my mind, body, soul, and creativity is the only way I can fathom surviving another decade of this place. Where every morning as I finally start to find rest, my heart breaks at the dying of the night.

Can't I get a Rx for that?

Went to the doc today to get my prescriptions updated. Feels so odd to even be on them. Gonna be 35 in a couple months and until this last year have never been on any regular medications. Now I am on several. 2 for diabetes, 1 for blood pressure, 1 for my stomach. And yet, the one thing I want; something to help me sleep, gets shot down as unnecessary before I can even completely ask for it. I think true sleep is a necessary thing in every life. And the fact that I haven't had restful recuperative sleep in nearly a year is a problem. But apparently not.
Oh well I guess.
Wouldn't mind a happy pill either, but they don't really make those. Gotta get that wagon rolling on my own.
An inch at a time, I'll get there.
I hope...

So it begins...

2013 went out like a weary whisper, and 2014 is beginning as more of a hopeful purr.

I get all these lofty notions of all I will do and accomplish during my days on Earth, then never muster the motivation to really go after achieving them. I'm capable. I know that. It's my drive that falters. I lost it all those days ago. Those days that have turned into years and have brought little healing to my heart.

I give a good show though of my smile and laugh to others. But no one still on this Earth knows me so well that they can hear the hollowness of that sound and the emptiness of that grin.

I chemically altered my brain for too long and my ability to easily find happiness is broken. Now, I get it in little burst of hearing the babies laugh, or seeing someone I love. That never broke, I can love. I think I love even harder than I used to. It's just the true joy that I lost.

In my deluded effort to try and numb all that hurt I had in me for all those years, I ended up numbing the capacity to feel content and peaceful happiness. I am what happens to former drug users that don't die or continue their addictions. I have the capacity to thrive, but lack the capacity to enjoy that thriving.

Maybe somewhere, someday that will change. Maybe it's that I am still wrapped up in the throngs of grief that makes life feel like this. I don't know though if that grief will ever ease. Or if I want it too.

But like I said before, I do look at this year with a little more hope. Medically I am more optimistic, and maybe with any luck that will start a chain reaction from my insides through my brain and to my heart. I might find that bit of me I lost those years ago. I may not. But I choose to hope I still will. And that, in and of itself is reason to think it will.