Another had to fly....

Another sudden and unexpected loss in the family. It is important to say that our family is HUGE, and adding the extended and adopted in family to those numbers just makes us a bigger group. And though our numbers are large we are all still very close. Very close. Each loss is a crushing blow. But because of each other we always manage to stand back up and face the next hurdle together. It goes without saying that we are all still here today because of the love and support and strength we manage to find in each other. We love and will miss you Aunt Lila, Very Very Much.

Regret?

I don't believe in regret. I have made mistakes and yes I am sorry for them, but I do not regret them. Because I have never done anything in my life that didn't feel like the right thing to do at the time. And when those things turned out to be mistakes at least I learned something. And I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for where I've been and what I have done. Mistakes and all. And I actually like , love and respect who I am. And who I am becoming. Some people cannot say that. I can. And I only hope over time that that never changes.

....ever forward, never back....

Some people will never really realize what it takes to overcome something that is bigger than them. I understand it better than I'd like to. Slow and steady is the only way to win this race. You have to lay a hefty foundation for each step up you take. And I am having to take this one small step at a time. The important thing is those steps continue forward. Backtracking isn't in the cards. That said, every step I have taken has been regret free and has built me into who I am. So I WILL remember Where I have been, Who I have known, What I have seen, and What has made me who I am. Why? Because I am proud of what those things helped to make me, and I'm surviving. Something I doubted was possible at one point.

I listen to mine...

Listen to your heart was a good song. And a song with a very good point. 'There's nothing else you can do.' Why would anyone try to ignore theirs? The concept is so utterly foreign and ludicrous to me that I just can't fathom it. I love someone who has been taken from this world. I have no plan or intention to love someone else. I will not risk having to try and survive it again. I am barely surviving it now. To ask me to set aside the only coping mechanism I have is so far removed from acceptable that I don't even know how to react to the suggestion. Or command really. Other than to say Fuck off! Not going to happen! Frustration is an understatement. I would have never thought the people I would expect to care the most for and about me would turn their back on me in this way. It hurts. Brutally hurts really. It isn't even that they are turning their backs, because that is really what they are doing. It is more that they are refusing to even try to see where I stand and are in essence attacking me for still feeling and not 'moving on.' This in their eyes is dwelling. This in my eyes is grieving the only way I know how. By remembering, avidly and enthusiastically someone I want to ensure never fades in my memory even a little. Partially because I want to remember and mostly because remembering makes me feel a little more like he is still with me. Still making me laugh, still having faith in me, supporting who I am and what I do, and loving me. Because he did love me. We had a complex relationship that escapes definition in a lot of ways. But we did love each other. And that was said and acted out many times and in many ways, by both of us, so taking away the value and depth of what we had together is not only unfair but callous beyond comparison.

Ultimatums are Bullsh!t!

The quickest way to piss me off is with an ultimatum! And top that off by telling me to drop someone from my life that means a lot to me and that I care about. Not gonna happen. And it will only lead to a fight. A fight that might not find a way towards a resolution. Bad idea all around.

...pants on fire!

I hate being lied to.

It's enough to make me want to drop kick a person. Especially when I cannot fathom why I was lied to and what purpose the lie served. Other than to hurt. Which it did. It most certainly did that part of its job nicely.

It also succeeded in tainting an event that I only looked forward too and made it something that really made me sad. I still see the beauty in the day for everything it is but I have to set aside a little corner of my heart and be sad to. Because my feelings are very warranted.

Finally...

Our stubborn little girl finally made her stage appearance. Third time being a Great Aunt and first great niece. She is gorgeous. Being an Aunt is one of the most important things in my life. I love all my nieces and nephews like they were my own and adopted some others along the way too. I am referred to as Aunt Jessica far more often than I am referred to as Jessica. And I am happy with that. =)

Beautiful Day On the Water

Went crabbing in Winchester Bay with friends today. Came home with more crab then we could eat, a bad sunburn, exhausted and thoroughly happy with how the day went. The more I venture out of my hiding place at home the more willing I am to venture more. With the right people of course. The ones with no expectations. Right now I only have enough in me to hang on to the people who are content with what I am capable of giving of myself, the people who understand where my heart is and what put it there and are accepting of it. Those people are the people I will give what I can of myself to. The rest? Well the rest really have to fall to the wayside. At least for now. I will decide if I can pick them back up again down the road as I go along.