Too Many Too Soon...

Our little town lost two more young boys today. Making 3 in less than a week. And so many more over the past couple of years. All gone far to young, and many from things that could have easily been avoided. Every since my near fatal wreck I can sometimes get a little preachy when it comes to safe driving. But the same road that stole my best friend away from me a year and a half ago just took two more lives. When I heard about todays accident I went straight back to that March morning and felt my heart clench up and tumble through the turbulence and emotional roller coaster I did that morning. Leaves you feeling ragged and a little less clear.

I am still angry for my losses and I honestly do not think I have completely accepted them. Reminders like this just set back the process of healing. I have accepted that I will never move on and heal completely, but I have tried to move forward carrying that scar. and moments like these just break down a little bit of the staircase I have been building inside me towards light again. But only a little. I can't let it drop me all the way back in the pit of un-tempered grief, or I would never try to climb again.

My heart is just torn for the families. I know what they are feeling. All to well. And it leaves you facing life with a scar that never heals all the way. For some it just bleeds now and again on the worst days, for some it is a steady sadness that never finds another way to be. And for some the wound festers and it drags you down with it. And it never leaves ANYONE unchanged.

Anxious...

Been waiting to be a great aunt again. Seems really weird to be a great aunt at 32 but I already am one twice. Waiting on our first little lady to arrive though, so I am super excited. My nieces and nephews are easily definable as my entire world. I love them like they are my own. Blows my mind that my oldest niece just turned 21. I feel older by the day. I guess I am older by the day but still, you know what I mean.

I am trying pretty hard to reawaken the happy go lucky always smiling and laughing girl I used to be before all this hurt came along. Yes I am still always smiling and laughing but if you know me at all you will note the smile never gets as far as my eyes and my laugh doesn't come from my soul like it used to. I am still in grief mode. But like I said I am making a grand effort to at least harness that grief and use it to help me move forward, not on, just forward.

A good friend of mine has been a catalyst for that. She managed to persuade me out of the house I have been hiding away in and get out and enjoy simple things. And a weekend stint with my amazing family also fed the need to smile in me. Writing again has been detrimental also.

It makes all the difference to find little things to look forward to again...babies...family....friends....roadtrips to the coast....laughing. True heartfelt laughter is an amazing thing. And though I know I will never laugh again the way I did, the fact that I can laugh again at all really says something. Joy can truly heal better than almost anything. I am pretty sure the only healing power greater is love.

Roots...

After the worst few years I can imagine. I am coming back to my roots. Gonna try to see if I can bring out the person in me that the 2 best people I ever knew, managed to bring out in me. Only I have to try to do it without them. Doesn't seem remotely fair or plausible that I should have to learn what it is like to keep living without my Mom and my very best friend and only man I love. But here I am standing in the wreckage trying to wrap my mind around how I lost them both inside of a year of each other. This is a journey I never wanted to make...

Holy sh....

I'm back!

She is alive...if only a little

Where did the world go while I was away? So much has happened and I couldn't begin to scratch the surface of it all. I fell out and in with people I cared for. I fell out and in and out and into love. I was burned and and found faith in others. Lost faith in myself and found it again beneath the ashes of a burnt bridge. I have tried to wash away the smell of sulfer from my hands but the matches left their mark. I have fucked up, been fucked up, and seen fucked up. And still I breathe. Each breath a little more sweet and a little less expected than the one before.

I stepped away from the man that was ruining me. I allowed myself to do far too many damaging things with/because/inspite of him. And I hit a point when he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me in my car at 5:30 in the morning that I just sighed to myself and internally asked when in the hell I started takin this shit from ANYONE let alone a control freak who is so desperate to believe what he thinks is right is right that he will trash the best fucking thing he could have ever hoped to have. I gave up way too much of myself for him so I stepped....right into the best friendship I have ever had. I am not with anyone now, though I spend 90 % of my time with an amazing man who astounds me mentally, emotionally, and sexually in ways I am still trying to comprehend. Whats the hitch you say? He is broken. He has been screwed over so many ways in his life that I am not sure I will get the door pried open for mare than what he can already give me...friendship...and mind blowing sex....both of which I will take happily, and just quietly hope that somewhere in there I will find a sliver to slip through. That and I am merely a friend to him (which is what I want above all else) and I know the attraction is not there for him like it is with me. I ache to touch him when he is anywhere near me and the sweetest sensation I have ever felt were his lips grazing my neck. I do not know how or why this grew in me as strongly as it has but it did and I have and will continue to tolerate minor little heartbreaks everyday just to breath his air. He's already got my heart, I just want to know what it is to hold his in return.

So there you are a quick update with much more to follow............