She is alive...if only a little

Where did the world go while I was away? So much has happened and I couldn't begin to scratch the surface of it all. I fell out and in with people I cared for. I fell out and in and out and into love. I was burned and and found faith in others. Lost faith in myself and found it again beneath the ashes of a burnt bridge. I have tried to wash away the smell of sulfer from my hands but the matches left their mark. I have fucked up, been fucked up, and seen fucked up. And still I breathe. Each breath a little more sweet and a little less expected than the one before.

I stepped away from the man that was ruining me. I allowed myself to do far too many damaging things with/because/inspite of him. And I hit a point when he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me in my car at 5:30 in the morning that I just sighed to myself and internally asked when in the hell I started takin this shit from ANYONE let alone a control freak who is so desperate to believe what he thinks is right is right that he will trash the best fucking thing he could have ever hoped to have. I gave up way too much of myself for him so I stepped....right into the best friendship I have ever had. I am not with anyone now, though I spend 90 % of my time with an amazing man who astounds me mentally, emotionally, and sexually in ways I am still trying to comprehend. Whats the hitch you say? He is broken. He has been screwed over so many ways in his life that I am not sure I will get the door pried open for mare than what he can already give me...friendship...and mind blowing sex....both of which I will take happily, and just quietly hope that somewhere in there I will find a sliver to slip through. That and I am merely a friend to him (which is what I want above all else) and I know the attraction is not there for him like it is with me. I ache to touch him when he is anywhere near me and the sweetest sensation I have ever felt were his lips grazing my neck. I do not know how or why this grew in me as strongly as it has but it did and I have and will continue to tolerate minor little heartbreaks everyday just to breath his air. He's already got my heart, I just want to know what it is to hold his in return.

So there you are a quick update with much more to follow............

Still alive!

New post tomarrow...PROMISE!!!

Happy Easter!

Look there is a pretty pink egg up there! (Raina on the hunt)

Can you believe it April???? What the hell???

One of the best pics from this weekend, I spent the majority of Saturday at the barn with relatives. Then took 6 teenagers to Wal-Mart to print pictures...one dressed up as a pimp named Shorty and break danced in the aisles....Next Day someone had the bright idea to take them all to both of the local malls............Crazy!! insane and lacking wisdom....I agreed ;) Had fun with them all and we even shoved all their little butts into one photo booth...those are nice pics!

Is it any wonder I have this sticker on my car?

So is there life after work? Bitch, Puh-LEEZE! The real question is there an after work? It seems like you get home a little later every day and then you get to work on things from home too. I want play time already! I want to get out and enjoy the rain and the wind in my hair. I want to fly down the freeway with the windows down and the music up and sing at the top of my lungs to eighties music! Wait no I want to Fly down the backroads with the windows down singing at the top of my lungs to 70's music, good music whenever it was made. Loud angry music that makes you want to drive faster.

I want to curl up in bed and not worry about what time I have to emerge. To float in and out of sleep for so long the real and the dreams all bleed together. And the only nightmare is dragging my lazy ass out of bed.

I want to wander through the swamp in the rain watching the raccoons and listening to the dragonflies and crickets and birds scavenging. Come home soaking wet and melt into a hot bath.

I want to walk the Bryce Creek trails and photograph the falls and nap in the ferns.

I want to go nightwalking in the middle of the night, go night swimming and lay on the beach star gazing.

I want to not be stuck at work all day long and come home so tired I don't feel like doing anything else.

But yeah right...whatever.

Catch up game

Well lets see, I had my birthday. It was a good one, no complaints at all. Another year older. Got some interesting presents, some of which take batteries. (thanks Sissy just wait until your batchelerette party ;) Otherwise it has mainly been work work and a little more work. Not much fun to be had when you are bustin your ass all day long and when your exhausted when you finally get home, not from the work itself but from the drama! Everytime it seems like we may finally squash all the dramatics more pop up. It's ridiculous really.

Then there was the weather. It has been pretty nasty lately, with windstorms and snow storms and COLD. It is still a little chilly but it is gorgeous out today. The sky is completely clear and you can almost believe Spring is just about here.

Now that I have my car back I might take advantage of the day and go for a drive....just not up in the mountains ;)

quickie!

This what I woke up to...yay! nIt is a lot deeper now! I love snow.















THIS is what got me through the day, carmel frapachino with a double up shot.

Caffiene is my hero.

This bitch is TIRED, so tired that I am not outside dancing in the snow!

The clouds lifted briefly today....

...and gave us a reprieve from the downpours that graced us for the rest of the day.

I pissed off sissy today while plotting her batchlerette party, she CANNOT handle not knowing what we have in store for her. Nothing bad though it will all be in good fun, Really sissy it will. Besides...thats what you get for getting hitched! I won't let any nakkkid men molest you I promise!!!

On another note I am going to turn 27 on Sunday and I am completely lost. Where in the Hell did 21-26 go? I remember every detail of those years but I'll be damned if it seems like they only lasted a couple months! Anyway it just feels like they are flying by way too fast. Oh well. G'night.

Who am I?

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

Click here:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=Speakslyrics
To tell me what you think of me.

still waiting...

One of the last places my car was that it was still going. :( It still isn't fixed. I miss my car!!!!
Sniffle, pout, groan. I am having to settle for driving this:



Torture I know. But it still is not MY car. :(

Awesome Concert

So my early birthday gift was going to a concert with my sisters and my mom to see Josh Gracin. I h ave been a fan since his stint on American Idol. He is just adorable! It was an excellent concert. I took over 100 pictures but only a few came out because of the lighting and the fact that he doesn't hardly hold still so they are all blurry. (I need a new camera damnit!) But this one came out decent I guess.

I am one of those people who like ALL music. I will have amix CD with "I'm in love with a stripper" (Rap) "Drunker than me" (country) "walk Away" (Pop) and some Danzig or Rob Zombie, throw in some 80's music and hair bands, a dash of Credence Clearwater and some Drifters or something and I am in hog heaven.

Anyway it was one of those concerts that is all high energy even during the ballads, when you leave tired just from watching someone give it all they've got. Loved it.

So now it is a weekend devoted to making the car go again.....er, hopefully....I really miss driving!

Happy Heart Day

Wrote this a couple weeks ago, while wandering

conversations in a dark car at 3 am tend to leave me a little unnerved, bereft of any sense and wondering what solitude really is. how can i taste it, cover myself in alone, like a blanket on a fevered child, unwanted but necessary just the same

4 am leaves me wondering what the hell happened to me through the night and how can i find my way back from the ledge i am tetering on and only wanting to fall

5 am brings the leap, i can finally give in with the comoing of dawn, and go to sleep hungering for more

new baby!

I was complimented on my lips 4 times this weekend. I think my scar is annoying and that they are big. Hmmph. Anyway...
I went for the blonde streaks again, and now I am more blonde than dark like in this picture taken yesterday. Actually there is hardly any dark left in it. Kind of scary.






Jazzie had her baby last night. She is a little go getter. Up and running laps an hour after coming into the world. Didn't like the blanket at all but it was pretty cold last night so suffer she did. ;) Isn't she cute? Mystique had her baby a little while ago. She was dubbed "Party Like a Rockstar" Star for short that is them in the next pic. These two little girls are half sisters. They share the same daddy "Stings Theme" or Rocky for short.

I found out it may be longer than I thought on my car. so now I am pouting. I drove my moms z28 over the weekend and now I am dying to drive again. I hate having no wheels. It sucks! Any way later, I gotta hit the hay, I gotta work tomorrow.

all the way from Korea!

Just posting my myspace addy: http://www.myspace.com/speakslyrics

Looks like I am going to a concert for my birthday, just me my mom and my 2 sisters. On Wednesday. Josh Gracin. I rooted for him on American Idol but he went home before the end. Oh well.

Not sure yet what I am doing when my birthday actually gets here. I have made several suggestions. Tha main one being a coast trip. Play in the sand. Maybe my friends (the ones that bought the shots and the lapdance) that have quads would wanna go. I wanna do something besides going to the bar and getting plowed. (Which I tend to do when I actually go to the bar).

Tomarrow I am gonna try and go get my hair did...Go back to the blonde chunks since they are bleeding through the dark color anyway. It is getting long again and I think I want to trim it again. Long or shoulder length? I can't decide but I need it to be different.

Car is still broken after the adventure on the mountain. We had to order a part all the way from Korea. Damn foriegn rigs....J/K ;) I like my car. But I am held up on getting it fixed while I wait for them to ship me a little $6.75 piece of plastic (that melted when he got impatient when we were stuck, and reamed the clutch and accelerator....men....very impatient! Meanwhile I was outside pushing the damn thing and getting ice, mud, and rocks kicked up on me.) Anyway no friends will be driving the car anymore. Just me, then when it breaks it is all my fault! Or when I wreck it which is more likely since I drive like a maniac.

Anyway look I posted twice in the same week! I am making a comeback! I so kick ass! ;)

tired of waiting....

....for you to come back.....
....and wake me up again............................................................

Put on a happy face!

It has been a weird few weeks for me. I haven't been too interested in doing some of the things I usually do. Kind of going through an "I am over all that" phase. But that never lasts and I always come back to who I really am.

Quick Summary:

Drunk and throwing up at the Silver Dollar club (strip club) Really big mixed drinks were involved...lots of them.

spending the night broke down in my car up in the snow only to walk about 15 miles down the hill the next day before we found a ride. (thanks nice couple in the mini-van that was very nice)

The inability to walk straight for the following week.

Losing 26 lbs in two weeks because food nauseated me.

and on-going venom spewing between my sister and I over a bunch of BS.

Yeah eventful.

Good news? I didn't wash away in any of the floods yet! Oh happy day!

Update!

I had a quiet New Years, relatively. Had a messed up shoulder and stayed home.

SUPER FUN and soooo memerable. ;) Had a couple nice conversations though. So figured I would post these fun pics cuz they are there and I want to ;)

I am sitting here eating homemade speghetti and trying to figure out how to patch my favorite pair of jeans. I tend to put my hands in my back pockets and I finally tugged on them enough to tear them. I can't bring myself to throw them away cuz they are my favorite...why are they my favorite? Well because I am tall and I spent my whole life either in shorts or looking like I was waiting on a flood, and these bad boys are long enough for my long legs. Irriplaceable.

Anyway, I am gonna crash now back to go visit everyone else tomarrow.

MMMMM.....DIRT!