Wore the eff OUT!

Feels like all I ever am is tired. And yet there is so much to do. I sure could use a clone or two, just till I get everything caught up...too much to ask?

Shedding

Trying really hard to make this move a starting from scratch moment. Paring down to necessities and putting everything else in storage. Maybe feeling lighter in the space I am in will help my heart to feel the same way. Tired of feeling like the weight of the world is holding me down. Maybe feeling a little better in that way will help me feel like I wanna take better care of myself...maybe...hopefully...somethings got to give.

Sigh....

Feeling a little better about school. Didn't realize I had taken two full term classes that are being squeezed into a single month. So the second and third month of the term I will only have to deal with one class. I am finding these classes very interesting too, just wish all the reading didn't kill my head. Stupid Palsy, I just wanna be normal again.

Been missing my Mom and my best friend a lot more than usual the past couple of weeks. I think its because I am gearing up for such a big change. Packing has stirred up a lot of memories, good and bad ones. But I regret none of them. Every road I have ever walked down, every bridge burned, every scar earned, every brilliant moment and every sparkling memory, all were worth it in the end...and I am still walking, carrying it all with me in every dark and bright recess of my heart...every step becoming more and more ME.

Over my head?

I may have bitten off more than I can chew this term. 3 classes with heavy heavy work loads and moving? No clue what I was thinking but it was a mistake I think. Reading has been a huge issue since I got the Bells Palsy. Really hard to focus for too long and it brings on viscous headaches. And of course all three classes have huge thick books and a TON of reading.Then there is the move which I am still excited and anxious about with no car. Sigh, this whole summer is going to be everything but relaxing. I am sure of it.

Bitter-Sweet

Wish I wasn't so sentimental. This packing and going somewhere new, no matter how familiar, is daunting. I don't wanna leave, this is home. I still feel close to my Mom and Jay here, surrounded by so many memories. And yet I am so excited to get to where I am going and see my sister and nieces and nephews everyday and more often. I hate being alone, and it feels like I am always alone here. I know I need and want the change but it is gonna be bitter sweet. Seems like my life has had bitter sweet as a theme for a long time...

Moving Forward...not ON

I am getting ready to move out of my home town and the place that spawned all of my most treasured moments for a smaller town close by where I will be with more family everyday. I'm also getting ready to start my 3rd term of college and am doing pretty well with it. I have left a lot behind me but I am still not moving on, only forward. My heart is still trapped in the wake of my losses and I don't know when if ever I will be ready to fish it out of the abyss and try to shake it off. But I am okay with that. Moving on feels a whole lot like I would be leaving them behind and I can never do that...

Mini vent session...

It's been a rough week or so. Dad sick in the hospital, finishing up finals, stranded home alone for days with no car or groceries, having to pack, clean and prepare for company to be here for several days, and have no furniture for them to sit on or beds to sleep on. Trying to be helpful and only getting yelled at for my efforts. All the while with a chronic and vicious migraine. Trying to organize and facilitate moving to another town, away from my home for 15 years and the last place I lived with my Mommy and the town that built all my best and saddest memories. Sigh. Gonna get back to writing here. Been bottling too many things up lately and I am supposed to be trying to keep my blood pressure down...this will help. And I have missed my blogger friends. <3