packing is bittersweet.

Packing still. Crawled under the bed to pull whatever was under there out. Found a couple old letters. One to Shurrie, talking about my relationship with Jay. Another written to Jay but never given to him about our relationship. My heart is full to the brim with moments I don't want to forget, and missing him. I truly do not believe I will ever really get past losing him...

Another wreck to add to the list...

If another wreck never touches my life I would still have been touched by too many. My niece was nearly killed the night before last and by the Grace of whoever was up there looking out for her she is still with us. She is going to have scars but she wasn't hurt too bad.
People do stupid things when they drink. I hate alcohol. Or at least I hate the people who let it poison their common sense, and in turn the people around them. Priorities get skewed and people get hurt and there is no excuse for risking a persons life, alcohol or no.
So glad she is still with us, and that no one was hurt. 7 people walked away from something that had the capacity to take all of their lives. Hope it provides the appropriate perspective to the appropriate people. Sadly, though, I truly doubt it will.

=(

My financial aid for school got messed up. I am not getting the normal amount. Sorta puts a HUGE kink in my intentions for this term. Wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't having to foot the bill for a move and having to start paying rent. Things always find a way to hit the pothole in the middle of the road and I am really getting tired of it. I won't let it defeat me, but I am not going to act like everything is all peachy keen either. Time to get financially creative, because I am determined to make my life more rewarding and enjoyable...if it kills me!

Wore the eff OUT!

Feels like all I ever am is tired. And yet there is so much to do. I sure could use a clone or two, just till I get everything caught up...too much to ask?

Shedding

Trying really hard to make this move a starting from scratch moment. Paring down to necessities and putting everything else in storage. Maybe feeling lighter in the space I am in will help my heart to feel the same way. Tired of feeling like the weight of the world is holding me down. Maybe feeling a little better in that way will help me feel like I wanna take better care of myself...maybe...hopefully...somethings got to give.

Sigh....

Feeling a little better about school. Didn't realize I had taken two full term classes that are being squeezed into a single month. So the second and third month of the term I will only have to deal with one class. I am finding these classes very interesting too, just wish all the reading didn't kill my head. Stupid Palsy, I just wanna be normal again.

Been missing my Mom and my best friend a lot more than usual the past couple of weeks. I think its because I am gearing up for such a big change. Packing has stirred up a lot of memories, good and bad ones. But I regret none of them. Every road I have ever walked down, every bridge burned, every scar earned, every brilliant moment and every sparkling memory, all were worth it in the end...and I am still walking, carrying it all with me in every dark and bright recess of my heart...every step becoming more and more ME.

Over my head?

I may have bitten off more than I can chew this term. 3 classes with heavy heavy work loads and moving? No clue what I was thinking but it was a mistake I think. Reading has been a huge issue since I got the Bells Palsy. Really hard to focus for too long and it brings on viscous headaches. And of course all three classes have huge thick books and a TON of reading.Then there is the move which I am still excited and anxious about with no car. Sigh, this whole summer is going to be everything but relaxing. I am sure of it.

Bitter-Sweet

Wish I wasn't so sentimental. This packing and going somewhere new, no matter how familiar, is daunting. I don't wanna leave, this is home. I still feel close to my Mom and Jay here, surrounded by so many memories. And yet I am so excited to get to where I am going and see my sister and nieces and nephews everyday and more often. I hate being alone, and it feels like I am always alone here. I know I need and want the change but it is gonna be bitter sweet. Seems like my life has had bitter sweet as a theme for a long time...

Moving Forward...not ON

I am getting ready to move out of my home town and the place that spawned all of my most treasured moments for a smaller town close by where I will be with more family everyday. I'm also getting ready to start my 3rd term of college and am doing pretty well with it. I have left a lot behind me but I am still not moving on, only forward. My heart is still trapped in the wake of my losses and I don't know when if ever I will be ready to fish it out of the abyss and try to shake it off. But I am okay with that. Moving on feels a whole lot like I would be leaving them behind and I can never do that...

Mini vent session...

It's been a rough week or so. Dad sick in the hospital, finishing up finals, stranded home alone for days with no car or groceries, having to pack, clean and prepare for company to be here for several days, and have no furniture for them to sit on or beds to sleep on. Trying to be helpful and only getting yelled at for my efforts. All the while with a chronic and vicious migraine. Trying to organize and facilitate moving to another town, away from my home for 15 years and the last place I lived with my Mommy and the town that built all my best and saddest memories. Sigh. Gonna get back to writing here. Been bottling too many things up lately and I am supposed to be trying to keep my blood pressure down...this will help. And I have missed my blogger friends. <3