One step forward,, 5 steps back...

It's been a while. It's hard to say how I am feeling about a lot of things in general because things are so up then down and back again. I have turned a lot of things around in my life and have come a long way from where I was a year ago; quit smoking 9 months ago, got rid of a lot of bad people in my life, started rebuilding a relationship with my father and sisters, started writing again, rebuilt friendships, got going on going to school...all good things. Making plans and implementing them...good things...then I end up in the ER.

It could have been worse, everyone was worried I was having a stroke. Turns out it is Bell's Palsey. It was scary though, and frustrating. It appears that I am getting better, and I can even already close my eye again, something most cases take months to get to and I am already there in a week, but...I can't help but feel like I am due for good things to happen for more than a month at a damn time or a change. It has been such an awful few years...losing Jay, losing, Mom, both in a flash with no chance to brace myself and prepare for it. The wrecks, there have been so many of those....losing an aunt, it just goes on and on.

The grief and depression are viciously debilitating. I hide it well, but I am not okay. I am however, trying to get to a place where I am okay again. I can't help but wonder though, if when I get there is life gonna just smack me senseless again and toss me right back down? I hope this is all worth it. I know I am a fighter, and I know I have a mark yet to leave on this world but, damn if it wouldn't be nice to get there and not be set right back again....

Another had to fly....

Another sudden and unexpected loss in the family. It is important to say that our family is HUGE, and adding the extended and adopted in family to those numbers just makes us a bigger group. And though our numbers are large we are all still very close. Very close. Each loss is a crushing blow. But because of each other we always manage to stand back up and face the next hurdle together. It goes without saying that we are all still here today because of the love and support and strength we manage to find in each other. We love and will miss you Aunt Lila, Very Very Much.

Regret?

I don't believe in regret. I have made mistakes and yes I am sorry for them, but I do not regret them. Because I have never done anything in my life that didn't feel like the right thing to do at the time. And when those things turned out to be mistakes at least I learned something. And I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for where I've been and what I have done. Mistakes and all. And I actually like , love and respect who I am. And who I am becoming. Some people cannot say that. I can. And I only hope over time that that never changes.

....ever forward, never back....

Some people will never really realize what it takes to overcome something that is bigger than them. I understand it better than I'd like to. Slow and steady is the only way to win this race. You have to lay a hefty foundation for each step up you take. And I am having to take this one small step at a time. The important thing is those steps continue forward. Backtracking isn't in the cards. That said, every step I have taken has been regret free and has built me into who I am. So I WILL remember Where I have been, Who I have known, What I have seen, and What has made me who I am. Why? Because I am proud of what those things helped to make me, and I'm surviving. Something I doubted was possible at one point.

I listen to mine...

Listen to your heart was a good song. And a song with a very good point. 'There's nothing else you can do.' Why would anyone try to ignore theirs? The concept is so utterly foreign and ludicrous to me that I just can't fathom it. I love someone who has been taken from this world. I have no plan or intention to love someone else. I will not risk having to try and survive it again. I am barely surviving it now. To ask me to set aside the only coping mechanism I have is so far removed from acceptable that I don't even know how to react to the suggestion. Or command really. Other than to say Fuck off! Not going to happen! Frustration is an understatement. I would have never thought the people I would expect to care the most for and about me would turn their back on me in this way. It hurts. Brutally hurts really. It isn't even that they are turning their backs, because that is really what they are doing. It is more that they are refusing to even try to see where I stand and are in essence attacking me for still feeling and not 'moving on.' This in their eyes is dwelling. This in my eyes is grieving the only way I know how. By remembering, avidly and enthusiastically someone I want to ensure never fades in my memory even a little. Partially because I want to remember and mostly because remembering makes me feel a little more like he is still with me. Still making me laugh, still having faith in me, supporting who I am and what I do, and loving me. Because he did love me. We had a complex relationship that escapes definition in a lot of ways. But we did love each other. And that was said and acted out many times and in many ways, by both of us, so taking away the value and depth of what we had together is not only unfair but callous beyond comparison.

Ultimatums are Bullsh!t!

The quickest way to piss me off is with an ultimatum! And top that off by telling me to drop someone from my life that means a lot to me and that I care about. Not gonna happen. And it will only lead to a fight. A fight that might not find a way towards a resolution. Bad idea all around.

...pants on fire!

I hate being lied to.

It's enough to make me want to drop kick a person. Especially when I cannot fathom why I was lied to and what purpose the lie served. Other than to hurt. Which it did. It most certainly did that part of its job nicely.

It also succeeded in tainting an event that I only looked forward too and made it something that really made me sad. I still see the beauty in the day for everything it is but I have to set aside a little corner of my heart and be sad to. Because my feelings are very warranted.

Finally...

Our stubborn little girl finally made her stage appearance. Third time being a Great Aunt and first great niece. She is gorgeous. Being an Aunt is one of the most important things in my life. I love all my nieces and nephews like they were my own and adopted some others along the way too. I am referred to as Aunt Jessica far more often than I am referred to as Jessica. And I am happy with that. =)

Beautiful Day On the Water

Went crabbing in Winchester Bay with friends today. Came home with more crab then we could eat, a bad sunburn, exhausted and thoroughly happy with how the day went. The more I venture out of my hiding place at home the more willing I am to venture more. With the right people of course. The ones with no expectations. Right now I only have enough in me to hang on to the people who are content with what I am capable of giving of myself, the people who understand where my heart is and what put it there and are accepting of it. Those people are the people I will give what I can of myself to. The rest? Well the rest really have to fall to the wayside. At least for now. I will decide if I can pick them back up again down the road as I go along.

Too Many Too Soon...

Our little town lost two more young boys today. Making 3 in less than a week. And so many more over the past couple of years. All gone far to young, and many from things that could have easily been avoided. Every since my near fatal wreck I can sometimes get a little preachy when it comes to safe driving. But the same road that stole my best friend away from me a year and a half ago just took two more lives. When I heard about todays accident I went straight back to that March morning and felt my heart clench up and tumble through the turbulence and emotional roller coaster I did that morning. Leaves you feeling ragged and a little less clear.

I am still angry for my losses and I honestly do not think I have completely accepted them. Reminders like this just set back the process of healing. I have accepted that I will never move on and heal completely, but I have tried to move forward carrying that scar. and moments like these just break down a little bit of the staircase I have been building inside me towards light again. But only a little. I can't let it drop me all the way back in the pit of un-tempered grief, or I would never try to climb again.

My heart is just torn for the families. I know what they are feeling. All to well. And it leaves you facing life with a scar that never heals all the way. For some it just bleeds now and again on the worst days, for some it is a steady sadness that never finds another way to be. And for some the wound festers and it drags you down with it. And it never leaves ANYONE unchanged.

Anxious...

Been waiting to be a great aunt again. Seems really weird to be a great aunt at 32 but I already am one twice. Waiting on our first little lady to arrive though, so I am super excited. My nieces and nephews are easily definable as my entire world. I love them like they are my own. Blows my mind that my oldest niece just turned 21. I feel older by the day. I guess I am older by the day but still, you know what I mean.

I am trying pretty hard to reawaken the happy go lucky always smiling and laughing girl I used to be before all this hurt came along. Yes I am still always smiling and laughing but if you know me at all you will note the smile never gets as far as my eyes and my laugh doesn't come from my soul like it used to. I am still in grief mode. But like I said I am making a grand effort to at least harness that grief and use it to help me move forward, not on, just forward.

A good friend of mine has been a catalyst for that. She managed to persuade me out of the house I have been hiding away in and get out and enjoy simple things. And a weekend stint with my amazing family also fed the need to smile in me. Writing again has been detrimental also.

It makes all the difference to find little things to look forward to again...babies...family....friends....roadtrips to the coast....laughing. True heartfelt laughter is an amazing thing. And though I know I will never laugh again the way I did, the fact that I can laugh again at all really says something. Joy can truly heal better than almost anything. I am pretty sure the only healing power greater is love.

Roots...

After the worst few years I can imagine. I am coming back to my roots. Gonna try to see if I can bring out the person in me that the 2 best people I ever knew, managed to bring out in me. Only I have to try to do it without them. Doesn't seem remotely fair or plausible that I should have to learn what it is like to keep living without my Mom and my very best friend and only man I love. But here I am standing in the wreckage trying to wrap my mind around how I lost them both inside of a year of each other. This is a journey I never wanted to make...