Saturday, October 02, 2004

Each day seems a little more numb

It seemed like a really long day today. My mom and my sisters and I went back to the hospital. I saw relatives I hadn't seen in years. It made me a little sad. Some of these people haven't made the effort to be a real and genuine part of her life for months, and these are her children. They have known about the cancer and the fact that it was coming back. I guess my sister is right, it is something that they will have to make peace with on their own. It will be them to suffer the regret when she is gone. But even as I say it I know it isn't entirely true, because she is effected also. She is aware of what is going on around her and she can see that these people have only come at the end, and only to make themselves feel better. I can't subscribe to the notion of better late then never. I know I seem harsh about this but I just sense such selfishness in so many of them.

So I spent the day with these people, more as a spectator than a participant in their posturing and playacting which is what I consider it. It seemed a little like an animal planet show, like 15 people competing to be the alpha male and females of the pack. Made me want to leave all day.

Of course I don't share these strong opinions with my family because they are separate from it (i.e. not guilty of these behaviors) and want to think the best of everyone. I do too, I just can't find any evidence to the contrary. I love all of my extended family, I just don't think they have invested as much in their dying mother as they should have.

I could never abandon my mother and father in such circumstances. If I didn't live close I would be on the phone to the every day and with them physically as much as possible. My sisters and I wouldn't fight over who makes decisions, we would make them together. We three are very close though many wouldn't know it. I list both of them as my best friends, and I like to think they do as well. Our parents would never know what is like to be without us, even for a day.

I suppose it is unfair of me to say they abandoned gramma, but I am still in that angry stage. I am mad at myself too, but I have yet to admit to myself why.

I am in that weird spot where I go from moment to moment forgetting and remembering the severity of the situation. Defense mechanism? Maybe. I think it is just safer for me to remain numb.


Anonymous said...

I understand what you mean about feeling sad when the relatives come at the end... I've seen something similar myself recently, and it makes me feel a little angry. It's good that you're so close to your sisters, so you can support each other when you need it.


死鱼 said...

i felt the same too.. i didnt' know i have extra 14 cousins until the day of my grandpa's funeral..

死鱼 said...

sorry, i didn't mean anything for the previous comment, but was trying to tell u that i hate the fact that my family and relatives comes together only when there's funeral. i had 3 love ones who left us, and they only appear during these 3 times.. they don't even bother to turn up during the chinese new year's celebration or someone's wedding dinner.. isn't that funny?

anyway, cheer up.